Of Tantrums & Revelations

You know how sometimes you feel mad about something pretty small only to realize, while ranting, that you are actually mad about something really big that you have not addressed? Yeah, I had that day yesterday. It sucked.

I don't know if pride truly goeth before a fall, but it does go before a temper tantrum.

Here is my quote for the day; it's from Marianne Williamson. "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you". Pardon my vulgarity but screw that. Screw shrinking and then being angry when people think you are small.

On Agnosticism

Slate has a good article on agnosticism and the value of spiritual uncertainty today. It is worth checking out. I like that he stakes it out as a viable third option, and not just weak theism or atheism.

Your thoughts?

Not Content With Homelessness

Yeah, I know I’m rockin’ the UU stereotype, but I loves me my NPR. Last night I was making dinner while listening to an episode of This American Life from a couple of weeks ago. (I also love their iPhone app.) The third act was about crazy myths that immigrants believe about America that turn out to be true. Most of it was pretty lighthearted stuff, Christmas lights, overweight people, public kissing, but what struck me was their shock at homelessness.

They couldn’t believe it was true. People flee from lands of poverty and tyranny, war-torn lands that offer little hope to come to the America that they pray is a land of plenty only to find that we allow our people to sleep on the street. One man commented that where he came from families would be ashamed to allow this to happen to a family member.

How did this happen? How did we become so comfortable with allowing Americans to live this way as long as we are lucky enough not to be among them? Why are we not ashamed of that? My cousin is mentally ill and formerly homeless; how did we as a family let that happen?

My fellowship has a commitment to helping Safe Harbor Inn, which provides transition housing for homeless families and I am proud that we are doing that, but I am not at all proud of the part I have played thus far. My United Way contact tells me that the average age of a homeless person in Anchorage, AK is 9 years old. Why are we OK with that? I don’t want to be OK with that anymore.

Sweet 16 for Midsummer Girl

Yesterday Big Daughter E turned 16. As I’ve mentioned before, I have been raising her almost my entire adult life. My sense of being a grown up is wrapped up in caring for her and now she is almost grown. I am a little overwhelmed.

E and I talk the same way and have some behavior similarities, but emotionally we are such totally different creatures. This does not enhance communication between a teenager and her mother. She drives me crazy. Just crazy. I have no idea how she is going to fend for herself in the real world in a couple of years.

But here’s the thing, she loves fiercely. She loves with a devotion like that of my mother who is the most nurturing person I have ever known. E has loved me every day of her life and I have never doubted that. I fear for the day when someone breaks her heart because that is going to be ugly. I named her for a woman of power and I hope she carries that strength throughout her life. She is so secure in herself and impervious to peer pressure. This makes it hard for her parents to influence her as well, but she is so confident in her own self and doesn't look for outside superficial validation. Whatever her life may hold for her, I know that she will find her own way.

16 is an exciting and scary age to be. I just hope we both make it through it.

Happy Summer Solstice

I love love love the Summer Solstice! It is my firm and unassailable opinion that no one loves the solstice like we northerners. The sun decided to come out and play for the celebrations yesterday and we are having a beautiful solstice today. I walked down to the nearby lake last night and just watched the sun and the birds and the trees. I felt so at peace and this morning’s ride was giddy and joyful. I am just happy.

I am really coming to love my women’s ritual group. Even though our Solstice celebration was rained out on Saturday we had a lovely time as one of us opened her home. It was a small part of what was said and done, but one passage stuck with me. As glorious as it is, Solstice highlights impermanence for us. When summer is at its zenith, it begins to wane again. I usually try not to think about that and focus on all the glorious night we have left all summer long. But the reason this day is so joyous is because I know winter is coming. Those long dark nights make this day so much sweeter, but I am sure I wouldn’t care about it if I lived near the equator.

I love it when my interests in Paganism and Buddhism overlap like that. This day reminds me to savor every sweet and wonderful thing I see without begrudging its eventual loss. Without impermanence, it wouldn’t be so beautiful. I hope I can hang on to this lesson this winter and remember that it is OK to lose something, because that means that I once had it.

Chronic Complainers

I have reached a point in my life where I am out of patience with chronically unhappy people who spend all their time complaining about everything that is wrong with everything. I am not talking about people who struggle with mental illness or depression. I do not mean people who are living through truly horrible life experiences. I mean people who live the same sheltered and well cared for middle class American experience that most of us do, but cannot find one single thing to be happy or grateful about.

Once you get fed up with this type they are everywhere and I just find them exhausting. For most of us, life is full of problems and struggles, but it also has some pretty wonderful stuff going on too. And for cryin’ out loud, not everything is that big a deal, y’know.

I am a rescuer and I have to deal with that. I grew up in a home where depression was a major issue, many of my friends deal with depression on various levels. I frequently take it upon myself to “fix” them and make them happy. That is my own struggle that I have to deal with and I will continue to be there for family members and friends who really need me. Having said that, I refuse to continue to be a sounding board for people who refuse to take any steps at all to change their circumstances, but seem to enjoy reveling in their own unhappiness. It does not make you cool to see what sucks about everything; it makes you a drag. My life is too short and too precious to spend it listening to people constantly complain.

Enough.

*Note to my husband – I reserve the right to make an exception for our friend the Comic Book Guy because I know you will call me on it later. At least he and I can fight honestly.

Two More Years

Two short years. While taking a walk with my girls last night I realized that two years is all I have left until everything changes. In two years Big Daughter E will be out of high school and turning 18, and Tiny Daughter M will be done with elementary school and heading into the hormonal morass of middle school.

Due to some less than stellar planning, I have been parenting E almost as long as I have been an adult. Two years from this month, she will be a grown woman making her own way in the world. Even if she continues to live at home I won’t be actively parenting her the same way anymore. In two years my baby will be almost a teenager and not a baby anymore. The small children stage of parenting will be over and I will become increasingly annoying and stupid to her. That’s it. That’s all I have left.

I need to slow down and cherish these next two years. After that, we will be playing a whole new ballgame that I am not ready for yet. Gretchen Rubin frequently quotes, “the days are long, but the years are short” and I am hearing that message loud and clear today. Slow down and be mindful of this time I have left to raise my girls together. Stop taking their time and attention for granted. Pay attention. Just two more years.

Demographics and Multiracial Americans

The Huffington Post posted this article about the latest demographic numbers and America's path to becoming a minority-White nation. It is mostly information that we have all heard before, but what caught my eye was that multiracial is the largest growing demographic in the United States, I assume, it is growing fast than even Latinos.

Does this bode good news for race relations? With a growing number of people who belong to different ethnicities or who have family members of different ethnicities will we see an increase in acceptance of differences? Studies show that people with gay family members are much less likely to discriminate against gays; does it work the same for racial issues? Do you stop seeing other races as “the other” if your grandchildren belong to their race as well as yours? It is very easy to dislike or fear those lousy, no good, fill-in-the-blanks, but it is much harder to hate your nephew, or sister-in-law, or cousin.

Maybe I am hanging a lot on very little data, but made me hopeful for our future.

Humanist Pilgrimage to Mauna Kea

I went on a spiritual pilgrimage last week. A Humanist pilgrimage.
While visiting Hawai’i I got the chance to go the summit of Mauna Kea to see the astronomical observatories located there and it was a deeply moving experience for me. I just wish I had been better dressed for it. There are seven observatories on Mauna Kea which are run and supported by countries from North America, Asia, and Europe for the purpose of peering outside this little planet of ours.

Out of the entire world, Mauna Kea has been deemed to be the best spot on Earth for astronomical observation. There are also big telescopes in Chile, but Mauna Kea is generally judged Number 1. This is the one place in all the world where the people of Earth come together to try to figure out the answers. That is a powerful idea. All of the big cosmic questions about the universe, its origins and destiny, and our place in it are addressed here. Where did we come from and where are we going? The eternal human need to know, to wonder, and explore finds expression in those massive telescopes. Our connection to the rest of the universe is underscored on that summit.

The whole way up the mountain I was so excited. We were going to the best place to see the stars. Metaphorically, it seemed like the place closest to the rest of the universe, closest to the unknown, closest to creation. The wind blew so hard at the summit that we didn’t stay long, but the drive up and down the mountain was unforgettable. The view was absolutely spectacular and I only worried about our driver running us off the road a few times. At some point halfway up I realized I was on a religious pilgrimage. This journey was every bit as loaded with meaning for me as other holy sites are for their own adherents. This spot was sacred for me.

People of every religious faith I can think of have sites considered holy, places where believers travel and sometimes gather to grow closer to their faith. If ever there was a place for Humanists do the same, Mauna Kea was it for me. There are no shrines or temples, just telescopes that stand as monuments to international cooperation and the undying human need to know what is out there. They stand as testimony to the idea that answers are knowable and that we should continue to strive for them. There is an amazing universe out there beyond our globe, and our tiny place in that vast network is so awe inspiring that I don’t need a belief in the supernatural to feel humbled and connected there.

The Hawai’ians have long considered Mauna Kea sacred for their own reasons. I am happy that they share their sacred mountain with the rest of the human race, and with me.

Biking My Values

Now that school is out and summer is here I started riding my bike to work yesterday. I write about this here not to brag or to be more environmental-than-thou, but to commit myself. It’s much harder to back out when you have made a public declaration.

I have been saying I will ride my bike to work in the summer for two years now and it has not happened. I even tried to talk myself out of it on Sunday night; I was sore and thought I should let myself rest up a bit. I live less than a mile from my office so this is not some type of huge burden I am placing upon myself.

It comes down to this, I either need to stop making excuses and start pedaling, or I need to shut up and stop claiming I care. I can’t have it both ways. Either I care about reducing petroleum consumption or I don’t. Either I care about living a healthy lifestyle and avoiding my family’s pattern of heart disease or I don’t. Either I reject the modern day ethic that values more and bigger above all or I respect the value of simplicity.

I realize most of you reading this drive to work and you may have good reasons for doing so. I would if I still lived 10 miles away from the office and I will drive again in the winter. This is not a blanket proclamation or accusation; it is something I feel like I need to do to live in accordance with my values.

From a health point of view, this program locks me in. I am a horribly inconsistent exerciser, but it is much harder to put it off when it means that I have to get my husband up early to take me to work (we are a one-car family) and at the end of the day I pretty much have to exercise in order to get home. Making exercise a necessity instead of a choice may be the way to get me to stick with it.

I've Been Outed

Twice.

So, I had this fantasy that if I kept names and pictures out of it, that no one notice my little blog enough to wonder who wrote it. I started this blog to have a place to explore this spiritual journey I found myself on. I needed a safe place to explore and archive the thoughts I was having because I sure wasn’t ready to talk about them much.

Now two wonderful women from our fellowship have separately and casually mentioned something they read on my blog to me. The first time caused a moment of panic. While I am normally pale, I’m pretty sure I turned white and there may have been babbling. I tried to think of anything offensive I may have written that she might have read. I got a reminder that the old rule still applies to the internet: don’t say anything behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say to his or her face.

I am going to keep this blog anonymous for the time being. Mainly, I don’t really want it to be searchable with my name. Some of my opinions may not enhance my career working in a red industry in a red state. I still want the freedom to speak my mind without hurting the feelings of family members. If any of you reading attend the Anchorage Unitarian Universalist Fellowship and you find anything here remotely interesting, feel free to ask or argue with me about my blog. ‘Cause I guess I’m out.

For now I will remain,

Yours always,

Strange Attractor

P.S. I’ve been on a great vacation for the last two weeks and I thought of a lot of things I want to write about so you will be reading more about that soon.