So, forgiveness, huh? Yeah, about that. Let me tell you, it is way easier to give some lessons than to receive them. This week Tiny Daughter and I have been talking a lot about the need for forgiveness. She is a natural grudge holder and I have been trying to convince her that holding those grudges hurts her much more than the other person, and that she will be happier if she learns to forgive people. Y’know, basic standards that A) I truly believe and B) all parents and supposed to try to teach their kids.
And most of the time I believe it. Most of the time forgiveness is not a big struggle for me. I tend to get angry quickly and easily, but I get over it quickly as well. Most of the time. And then there are days like today. Today I discovered that someone who I believed was a mentor sabotaged me professionally. I liked her, I respected her; although not part of our congregation, she is one of the tiny steps that brought be to my UU fellowship, and I am terribly, terribly hurt.
I don’t want to forgive her. I want to nurse my wound in self-righteous wrath. I feel betrayed and I have earned that emotion. I want to stay angry at her. I want to enjoy her suffering. None of that is any kind of good idea. None of it really hurts her or affects her in any way. I feel like I am inside the moral lesson I was trying to teach my daughter and if I really mean it, I have to live it. If I really believe in compassion and connectivity I have to let it go. The pain won't get any smaller if I feed it. If I really believe in forgiving the human failings of others, I have to include her in that forgiveness.
I’m not totally naïve or dumb, so I don’t have to trust her in the future. I am no longer in a position where she can affect me professionally, but we will continue to deal with each other and network in the same industry. I learned a great deal from her in our previous working relationship; now I have learned from her how not to treat others. I suspect I will be working on this for a little while, so here is the first step.
I forgive you. Whatever happened in the past is done. I forgive you.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
RIP Daniel Schorr
NPR reports that Daniel Schorr died today at the age of 93. His depth of understanding in understanding Washington will not easily be replaced. I will miss him not being part of my drive home anymore.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
A Plea For Kindness
I know it is always there, but this week I am seeing a need for kindness in the world. We know that we are all human; we all want to be understood and forgiven our weaknesses, but we don’t do it. Can’t we all just extend that understanding out to others just a little bit? Wouldn’t we all rather be treated that way?
I am speaking as much to myself as to anyone else, since it is difficult to remember to be compassionate and understanding with a teenager. This week everything from ugly national political stories to workplace cranks makes me wonder, what if we were all just a little more kind to each other? Is it so important to win that we must trash someone’s good name? People need to be seen as so put together and blameless so that they vilify another for a small human mistake. When my colleague makes a mistake, he or she is probably not a moron as some would attest; she is most likely a human being who made an error. If I can help her fix it, maybe she will understand the next time I make a mistake. Because I’m human I will make a mistake again.
You know what; this even applies to Sarah Palin. I don’t like Sarah Palin. I don’t like what she says about others and I am sick beyond all belief of hearing about everything she and her family does and says. But if I spend all of my time mocking every grammatically-challenged thing that comes out of her mouth then I am just being negative and not hurting her at all. Her supporters don’t even care. Look at me, I’m clever and snarky; I don’t mangle the English language. So what? How have I improved my life by watching and criticizing her every move? It doesn’t help create any positive changes; it just makes me feel superior. I still reserve the right to criticize and disagree with her political actions and speech, but let’s leave her parenting and hair out of it. Deep breath. Even Sarah Palin deserves respect and compassion. (Realistically, someone may have to remind me I said that in the future.)
I didn’t even know I was going to write about She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
The Dalai Lama famously said, “My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” I need to remind myself of that more often. Couldn’t we all be happier and more at ease if we could look past our initial frustration and see each other as flawed and human people, instead of obstacles in our personal paths to happiness? As a person with a long and loving relationship with snark, I’m changing. Just watching people treat each other callously disturbs me and stresses me out. I wish I could stop people from being awful to each other, but as a proper child of psychology, I know I can only change my own actions. So my mantra this week is Kindness, everyone else is human, too.
I am speaking as much to myself as to anyone else, since it is difficult to remember to be compassionate and understanding with a teenager. This week everything from ugly national political stories to workplace cranks makes me wonder, what if we were all just a little more kind to each other? Is it so important to win that we must trash someone’s good name? People need to be seen as so put together and blameless so that they vilify another for a small human mistake. When my colleague makes a mistake, he or she is probably not a moron as some would attest; she is most likely a human being who made an error. If I can help her fix it, maybe she will understand the next time I make a mistake. Because I’m human I will make a mistake again.
You know what; this even applies to Sarah Palin. I don’t like Sarah Palin. I don’t like what she says about others and I am sick beyond all belief of hearing about everything she and her family does and says. But if I spend all of my time mocking every grammatically-challenged thing that comes out of her mouth then I am just being negative and not hurting her at all. Her supporters don’t even care. Look at me, I’m clever and snarky; I don’t mangle the English language. So what? How have I improved my life by watching and criticizing her every move? It doesn’t help create any positive changes; it just makes me feel superior. I still reserve the right to criticize and disagree with her political actions and speech, but let’s leave her parenting and hair out of it. Deep breath. Even Sarah Palin deserves respect and compassion. (Realistically, someone may have to remind me I said that in the future.)
I didn’t even know I was going to write about She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
The Dalai Lama famously said, “My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness.” I need to remind myself of that more often. Couldn’t we all be happier and more at ease if we could look past our initial frustration and see each other as flawed and human people, instead of obstacles in our personal paths to happiness? As a person with a long and loving relationship with snark, I’m changing. Just watching people treat each other callously disturbs me and stresses me out. I wish I could stop people from being awful to each other, but as a proper child of psychology, I know I can only change my own actions. So my mantra this week is Kindness, everyone else is human, too.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Lesson Fron My Bike
As I have written before, I have been riding my bike to work this summer and it has been a surprisingly great exercise in gratitude. Every day when I ride I am reminded of so many things that I generally take for granted.
For many people in the world, a bicycle is a treasure. It is the means to start a business, or commute to a job and still come home to family, or to be able to go to school. For me, it is a luxury; I get to choose to take my bike instead of driving. It seems strange that the method requiring more work is actually the luxury here in the U.S., but it’s true.
I have the physical ability to ride a bicycle. I work close enough to home that it is not a burden to commute this way; I don’t have to choose between supporting my family and seeing them every night. My workplace is safe and clean enough that I can breathe while riding. These are not benefits that I would even think about having most of the time. An unexpected side effect of this change has been a repeated reminder of my own privilege. Every morning I think about billions of people around the world and how different their experiences and points of view are from mine. Still, we are interconnected and their struggles are not any less worthy than mine.
I have also been surprised at the response I have gotten from several co-workers. While a few people have been supportive, most seem to view me as a trick pony or a dancing bear. Isn’t it just adorable the way she rides her bike? No cheek pinching, so far.
It’s funny, when we find spiritual growth in the most unexpected places.
For many people in the world, a bicycle is a treasure. It is the means to start a business, or commute to a job and still come home to family, or to be able to go to school. For me, it is a luxury; I get to choose to take my bike instead of driving. It seems strange that the method requiring more work is actually the luxury here in the U.S., but it’s true.
I have the physical ability to ride a bicycle. I work close enough to home that it is not a burden to commute this way; I don’t have to choose between supporting my family and seeing them every night. My workplace is safe and clean enough that I can breathe while riding. These are not benefits that I would even think about having most of the time. An unexpected side effect of this change has been a repeated reminder of my own privilege. Every morning I think about billions of people around the world and how different their experiences and points of view are from mine. Still, we are interconnected and their struggles are not any less worthy than mine.
I have also been surprised at the response I have gotten from several co-workers. While a few people have been supportive, most seem to view me as a trick pony or a dancing bear. Isn’t it just adorable the way she rides her bike? No cheek pinching, so far.
It’s funny, when we find spiritual growth in the most unexpected places.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
No Memory of Peacetime
Yesterday I realized that my 10 year old daughter has no memory of the United States not being at war. No experience with prosperous peacetime at all. That is really sad.
She doesn’t know what this war is all about or why we are fighting it. She doesn’t know anyone who had to fight in it. It is just an abstract notion to her. American soldiers killing and being killed in foreign lands for some unknown reason is just normal to her.
That shouldn’t be normal.
She doesn’t know what this war is all about or why we are fighting it. She doesn’t know anyone who had to fight in it. It is just an abstract notion to her. American soldiers killing and being killed in foreign lands for some unknown reason is just normal to her.
That shouldn’t be normal.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Dreaming of a White Lughnassadh
It looks like I will be spending Lughnassadh above the Arctic Circle this year with my evangelical Christian boss. This ought to make for an interesting holiday. It might be hard to think about the first fruits of the harvest at 32 degrees. I know two years isn’t much of a pattern, but it seems like Lughnassadh is becoming the day to expect surprises.
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