In Defense of Pink

For one reason or another, the idea of gender was a major theme for me last year. One result of this is that I am defending something I never thought I would.


I am defending pink.

Between the video of the adorable girl criticizing the gendering of toys and the outrage over new Lego for girls it seems like the internet has blown up lately talking about toys for girls. I could spend all day linking to it all, or I could just let you Google it – there is a lot out there. I used to be in the same boat as these critics. I grew up a tomboy and my lust for Star Wars action figures instead of dolls was intense. I hated it when people tried to define my femaleness with traditional femininity. It did not fit me.

While pregnant with my first daughter I put a lot of thought into how I would raise a girl, unconstrained by social expectations of girliness. I was the parent who insisted on gender neutral clothing & toys. Barbie was absolutely forbidden. I ended up with an older daughter who almost totally eschews traditional feminine trappings. Aaaaand then we had daughter number two who is a frilly femme from her waist-length hair to her sparkly blue toenails. No amount of gender neutral propaganda is going to make this child not want to twirl around in lacy dresses and a tiara. And here is the thing – that should never be my goal.

I support gender neutral toys, but I no longer support the ghettoizing of pink ones. When we tell children that pink toys are bad, we tell them that femininity is bad. Girls and women should never be locked into gender stereotypes, but they also should not be denied their true selves if that self feels girly*. We ought not to tell children of either gender that girls cannot be chemists, but we also should not tell them they cannot be fashion designers. In an effort to support telling girls they can be whatever they want and make progress in traditionally male domains, I believe some feminists are painting femininity in a negative light.

One of the things I have come to realize in the past year is that my dislike of the color pink, and various other traditional feminine traits and activities are really my own unconscious internalized misogyny. That is painful to type, because I don’t want it to be true. When I go out of my way to make sure that people realize that I don’t do X, like other women, what I am really saying is that they way women do things is not as good as the way men to them. I’m saying I’m better than other women because I act more masculine. I am not OK with that. I am also finding that the older I get the more comfortable I get with my own femininity – I could not have written this post at 20.

I love my t-shirt & blue jeans daughter and my party dress diva daughter without any desire to make either one more like the other. I honor their true selves. I only hope I do them justice as they grow into amazing young women – with pink or without.



*I’m not ignoring the fact that these issues also apply to boys and transgendered people. I don’t feel as qualified to speak to that. Those issues are real and valid, but they are not the subject of this post.

Grace & Whales in the Deep Blue Sea

I have not been feeling well this week and I was grateful my kids had plans with their grandparents Monday evening. I was lying in bed watching TV with wonderful Husband S when the phone rang with a call from Tall Daughter E. My peace and quiet having been disrupted, I was not feeling nurturing as I answered the phone.

“Mom, guess what?” Good lord, what trivial thing has she called me about knowing that I am trying to rest? That part stayed in my head, what came out was an impatient sounding, “What?”
“Baby belugas, mom, I see a baby beluga. A real life one.” She and my dad were going fishing near Girdwood and were driving by a spot called Beluga Point on Turnagain Arm. It is a beautiful spot along Cook Inlet where you can, indeed, see beluga whales at the right time of year if you are lucky. We’ve seen whales there before, but never a baby. She went on to describe it to me.

Now understand that in general I am not a fan of children’s music. When my girls were toddlers I saw no reason why they could not listen to the Beatles or CSN&Y or Billie Holliday along with me. Many of their lullabies are old folk songs or Beatles tunes. I saw no reason why I should subject myself to more earworms than I already got from Sesame Street. But there was one exception, Tall Daughter learned Raffi’s “Baby Beluga” in kindergarten and I liked it. It was the one piece of kiddie music we listened to and we sang it together often.

At her age, it would have taken a death threat to get me to call my mother to remind her of a pleasant childhood memory we shared. I would have only brought something like that up if I could frame it ironically. But here she is, so excited that her wildlife encounter echoes this memory that she took time out to call me instead of just telling me about it when she got home like she usually would. I felt simultaneously touched and ashamed for having been so annoyed.
Like many many other mothers, I sometimes feel like a failure as a parent. Tall Daughter is so difficult to motivate that I sometimes despair. But here was a moment when I knew that I was doing something right. She may not grow into my vision for her, but we have a closeness that not even adolescence can shake. And adolescence is very trying indeed, for both of us. I should appreciate this bond more and reframe “needy” as “loving”.

A few weeks ago our minister spoke on moments of grace, even for non-theists like me. In this small moment I felt grace, and gratitude, and humility.

Creativity and the Recession Blues

While I am far from alone and should be grateful to have a job, this recession has gotten me down.

In April, my job asked me to take a 10% paycut, ouch. In May, our one functioning car died so we bought a new-to-us vehicle and added a car payment and more insurance, and now Tiny Daughter M's medical bills are staring to come due. The husband's job is very flexible and allows his to work around the girls' schedules, but it doesn't pay much. We decided years ago that I would be the breadwinner and now there is 10% less bread. It is not a rolling-in-money kind of time in the Attractor household.

I am very discouraged and frustrated by being back at broke. The Husband and I spent a lot of years just scraping by and it was only due to the help of fantastic grandparents that our daughters had some of the things we wanted for them, especially the older Daughter E. In the last couple of years I was starting to feel like we had finally made it. We bought the house we always wanted, while far from wealthy, we were no longer dancing on the threshhold of insolvency. We could actually think about taking a family vacation. It felt secure. Well, now we are back at barely being able to cover our bills. I hate having to deny the girls the things they want because of money over and over again. I'm already tired of saying it and they must be sick of hearing it. I know it's not true, but it feels like all the hard work has been for nothing. I try to remember that I now have a reliable vehicle and a house in a nice neighborhood with good schools instead of a crappy little car without a reliable heater and an apartment in the wrong part of town.

I have decided to change my attitude. I am now choosing to look at this financial setback as a chance to be more creative with what we do have (since we are still rich compared to most of the world) rather than focus on all of the things I cannot do or have. I'm sure I will have setbacks and get discouraged again, but if I refame this issue when I am merely frustrated I can usually stave off getting depressed about it. It would be easier to mope and dwell on it, but I don't want to go down that road. Remembering to excercise helps as well and walking is free!

So instead of taking the girls out for pastries and tea on Saturdays, I can bake more. Instead of buying more clothes, I'll be thinking about how to wear what I have differently. I will come up with creative ideas for family birthday gifts, maybe back to the baking idea. We have shelves of board and card games so family game nights can replace going out to the movies, etc. Thank you Netflix! We are already frequent flyers at the library. There will be no annual zoo pass, but we live next to the most beautiful park in this part of Alaska so why aren't we exploring it more? I still don't know how we are going to budget things like hair cuts, and school clothes, and the state fair, but we will just have to do what we can.

Anyone have any ideas to share about frugal creativity or for their own recession survival tips?

Girl Time With the Squirrel and the Chickadees

This evening the girls and I played catch in our very own backyard for possibly the first time. Much credit goes to my husband for all of the raking and hard work that made this possible. We just bought the house last summer and the back yard was a nightmare. I felt so grateful to finally be able to give them this security, of playing in their very own backyard. It's not that big, but it's all ours.

This time of year in Alaska we have enough light that we can come home from work, make a quick dinner, and still play catch and take a walk in the sunshine, which we did. (It was still full light outside when I put them to bed at 9:00). It amazes me that my wild and crazy little Amazons can sit so still and quietly to watch a squirrel scurry back and forth on our fence. Our squirrel are tiny and cute, not big and pesky like the grey monsters that haunt east coast. We paused the game several times to watch the squirrel and the chickadees.

I was more relaxed and at peace tonight outside than I have been in weeks. I am so glad that I listened to their requests and didn't blow them off to watch House.