On Friendship - Connection & Reconnection

This was a great weekend for connecting with friends. Friday night was spent at a party with new friends, and Sunday and Monday were spent at parties reconnecting with an old friend, the Math Teacher and her family. One was a girls' night, and one was a 4th of July barbeque. Our friendship has a strange arc; we were friends as children, and again as young adults*, and we are re-connecting now as we each approach middle age. Who knows, maybe we will lose touch again and bump into each other in an old folks home.

Sunday night I hung out with the Math Teacher and her friend Goldilocks. We had a great time, but the conversations were a little surreal. On the one hand, we know each other so well and have so much history, but I have seen the two of them only sporadically over the last 15 years. We each know parts of the other’s lives intimately, but we are each totally ignorant about whole other swaths of our own personal history. Each conversation feels like the past is sitting there with us. We have tried to reconnect before, but we always let busy lives get in the way. I have to thank Facebook for helping us to start our friendship back up for a third time.

One of the best parts of hanging out with her is seeing what an awesome person she has become. She is still her, but it is like she has become her best self. Life has taught her how to be a strong and centered person that I really admire instead of the person who doubted everything about herself. I really wish I could take her back in a time machine and introduce her to her 20-year old self. I want to tell her younger version that this is who she will become.

I read somewhere once that as we get older those who knew us when we were young become more and more important. I have loved meeting all the new friends I have made over the last two years and I am grateful for them, but having people who knew you as you were and see you as you are is really grounding.

*The Math Teacher’s father was the first UU I ever met. I thought he was crazy when he tried to describe his church to me – the church I now attend.

Can We All Just Stop Hurting For a Moment?

Can everybody just stop hurting so much for a little while? I need a little break.

There is an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer called “Earshot” in which Buffy Summers temporarily gains the power to read minds. As the ability grows, she becomes overwhelmed with the burden of hearing everyone’s private thoughts. She explains to Jonathan, a suicidal classmate, that the reason no one notices his pain is that everyone, no matter how they seem, is busy dealing with their own.

I am feeling a little like Buffy this week. Everyone around me is carrying on living their lives, but underneath the surface is such pain. A friend found a second type of cancer after the first was successfully removed; an old high-school buddy threatened to shoot himself, a casual friend was left by her husband of 16 years and is now readjusting to her new role as a single mother; a co-worker and a sister both struggle in marriages that crush their spirits, but they are unable to fix and unwilling to leave; another friend just lost his wife to a protracted battle with cancer; a dear relative is combining the joy of expecting a baby with an emotionally abusive relationship; another friend is struggling with depression; body image issues are tampering a close friend's joy; one branch of the family is dealing with a possible drinking problem. These are just the things I know about, just the ones that come to mind at the moment.

Right now this pain is highly visible to me, but I realize that this is normal. This is life. I am currently noticing it more acutely, but I think the aggregate of pain is probably the standard. I am trying really hard to be there for the people I care about, but it is becoming exhausting. This week I feel a little overwhelmed. I am so glad that Husband S is the rock I am always depend on. He is keeping me stable so that I can be there for others.

Several UU bloggers, but especially Lizard Eater, talk about becoming a missional denomination. I admire their dedication, but I don’t usually feel compelled to join in. Lately when I look around and see all of the unfortunately mundane suffering I almost get the missional bug. I admire people who try to save the world, but that is not in my power. I just want to help ease some suffering, one person at a time. I can't fix people, try though I might (and believe me, I have tried), but I can listen, and I can accept, and I can love.

Back To The Blogstone

Hello again. I've been missing for a while, but I'm back to the blog now.

I had a whole post planned out about kicking myself in the butt and getting my life back in gear. I was celebrating the unexpected magical confluence that created a whole evening with the house all to myself and enjoying the peace and quiet. But then I learned that an old friend just had a miscarriage in her second trimester and I am just too sad.

I made a promise to myself that I would write a post tonight so here it. I will endeavor to be more entertaining in the future, but not tonight.

Connection and Friendship

I had a great dinner last night with a friend. It feels really good to reconnect. Early this year, the couple who we did everything with split up. The man* is one of our oldest and dearest friends so there was no question that he would get custody of us in the break-up.

I'd been associating with this woman, let's call her Space Vixen, regularly for six years and I didn't know I would miss her so much. I nervously sent her a message last week not sure whether or not I would remind her of the part of her life she wanted to leave behind. I've always wondered if she truly valued our friendship or if I was just part of the package that came with her ex. We had dinner last night and it went really well. It was so good to see her and catch up on her life. It sounds like things are going very well for her and I'm glad, even if I am still sad for our friend.

When I grew up Anchorage was a military town with a boom & bust oil-based economy. Friends moving away was just part of life and I got really good of letting go of people. Once they were gone I just didn't let it bother me. But as I get older, I find these connections are harder to let go. Those people who share memories with me are important and I am willing to work harder to maintain relationships. If I were to sum up my sense of spirituality in one word, it would be "connection". It may not be why I am here on this planet, but it is why I can cherish my time here. I am connected to so many things and some of them much more strongly than this one, but life is a little more whole after re-establishing my connection to Space Vixen.

*Can't yet think of a clever, approriate, and inoffensive nom d'ecran for him yet. I'm sure one will be forthcoming.