Learning To Disagree

I am becoming more and more convinced that learning how to disagree well is the foundation for …well everything. Anyone who has been paying attention has seen the toxic effect of I'm-right-and-everyone-else-is-a-horrible-person on American politics, but it is not just politicians and pundits we can point fingers at; it is us, too.

Husband S and I got married when we were young, dumb, and brand new parents. With an eye on the odds, you probably wouldn’t recommend that young people take this route. Sixteen years later, he is still the love of my life and I shudder to imagine my life without him. Most of the time I am at a loss to explain how we beat the odds to make our marriage work when so many others who marry young do not. The one thing I come back to is we always try to fight fair. Whatever either of us is upset or angry about, the goal of the conversation has to be to fix the problem and heal the relationship, never to make the other person feel bad. We never call names when we fight. This is hard. Really hard sometimes, but it establishes a foundation of trust. I know that S is never out to get me. I know that I can count on him to listen to me and that my feelings are important to him. Always.

I thought about this yesterday and we need to apply that same standard in our congregations. Yesterday I attended some communication training at our Fellowship and during this session, it became very clear that there are deep divisions within the Fellowship that are still in the process of being healed. Some of these revolve around a specific experience, but I believe many others are part of our denominational dialogue at UU’s: theists vs. non-theist, those who want the church to be a mission to the world vs. those who are content with a liberal oasis, etc. Do any of us want to be in a Unitarian-Universalism where the only people left think just like us? Or do we want to continue as a faith with a rich dialogue of dissenting voices? If the latter, we need to focus on remembering or leaning how to disagree.

The thing about your church that totally annoys you, well that might be just the thing that keeps the person next to you coming to church. For non-theists it can be threatening when people keep bringing all their god-talk into your last bastion of rational safety, and I know there will always be tension there between these two camps. But surely our commitment to support each other in our own searches for meaning is bigger and more important than whether or not we involve a divinity in that search. Working together to make the here and now a better place takes precedence over what compels us to do so.

When I am mad at someone, I friend of mine is in the habit of asking me if I want to be right or be happy. The answer varies based on mood and circumstances. I want to apply this question to our congregations in a broader sense. Do we want to nurse our sense of righteousness or do we want to have a relationship with others in our church community, one which nourishes both of us? We say we want a big tent, so we have to build that tent with our individual everyday interactions with each other.

2 Charming Graphic Novels - Highly Recommended

Completely free of any paid endorsement or incentive, I’d like to recommend a couple of graphic novels I read recently.

Hereville: How Mirka Got Her Sword, written and drawn by Barry Deutch is a charming all-ages stand-alone story. The sub-subtitle “Yet another troll-fighting 11-year-old Orthodox Jewish girl” spells out the subject matter, and gives you a hint about the book’s sense of humor. Aimed at younger readers, I still enjoyed it. Mirka lives in a conservative Jewish community where the other women try to convince her to hone her domestic skills, while she dreams of becoming a dragon slayer.

One of the things I liked about this book is that Mirka does not have to learn to transcend her community realize her dreams. Her heritage is not incidental to her success, but a major factor in it. I would recommend it for older elementary and middle school kids for discussions about how our religion and community shape us.

I spent part of the last weekend reading Action Philosophers by Fred Van Lente and Ryan Dunlavey. I didn’t even know this book existed, but I happened across it in our local library. Van Lente and Dunlavey are both comics industry professionasl who were awarded a grant to publish this history of western philosophy under their independent label.

This book is awesome. It explains dozens of philosophers and their theories down in comic book form. I swear, I will never think of Plato in the same way again. Need a quick review of someone you read in college, flip through this book and you’ll be sucked in to read the rest. These easily digestible nuggets of complex ideas are actually funny. Try though I may, I still don’t get Wittgenstein, but I don’t hold Action Philosophers responsible for that.

While Van Lente and Dunlavey mostly restrict themselves to western thinkers, I appreciated the inclusion of a few non-Christians like Rumi, Boddidharma, Lao Tzu, and the guy who began Kabbalah (his name is escaping my mind). I would have liked to see a few more of these, but I still enjoyed the book for what it was. The only two women featured are Mary Wollstencraft and Ayn Rand, but I lay the blame for that more on western culture as a whole.

There are a few off-color jokes, but I think this would be fine for older teenagers. Thank you for indulging this moment of nerdery; you may now return to your regularly scheduled reading about important things.

The Impermanence of Parenting

I’ve been spending more time with Buddhism lately and it is affecting my parenting in a good way. Tall Daughter E will be graduating from high school and turning 18 in about a year in a half. This realization after the holidays started a panic beating in my chest. There is no way she is almost ready to be released out into the world as an adult. No. Way.

I am trying to take a step back and look at the impermanence of this stage of parenting. I do not feel remotely ready to be the parent of an adult; I can’t believe she is actually almost ready to be one. Unfortunately, me feeling ready and it actually occurring are unrelated ideas. No one is going to ask my opinion about the matter; it just is. So instead of railing against in inevitable, I am trying to savor and appreciate the time I have left with Tall E as my little girl. There are only so many more times she is going to hug and kiss me goodnight before she goes to bed. Only so many more times she will grumble as I ask her to help me with dinner. (That reminds me, I need to teach her to cook more different things.) The added side-effect of this is that is makes it easier to deal with raising a teenager. When I know that I don’t have that much longer to spend with her or to try to teach her my values it makes it easier to deal with things that, in the past, would drive me crazy. Why would I spend my remaining time with her being angry about small stuff?

Except when Tall E bickers with her little sister, the rhythm of our relationship has already changed in the last year or so. We relate and talk to each other differently than when she was a child and I can only imagine things will be even more different as she starts to lead her own life. I have been her favorite person for most of her life. She has always been bound to me in a way that I have sometimes found suffocating, but now I can’t imagine not having on a daily basis. It is hard to conceive of her not needing me. I have been raising Tall E almost my entire adult life so it is will real sadness that I view the end of actively parenting her, but that makes living with her all the more precious.

How To Discipline Yourself to Meditate

I’ve figured it out. I finally know how to get myself to be more disciplined in a mediation practice. All you need to do is get yourself in a situation so over-whelming and stressful that you need the mental time-out of mediation to deal with it. See, it’s easy to be disciplined. It’s like how I am able to stick with my morning yoga routine because my back hurts a lot if I skip more than two days. Apparently, the stick approach is working better for me than the carrot.

I haven’t been writing here for a while, mostly because of the same situation that drives me to meditation. I just haven’t been able to spare the extra mental energy for it and I didn’t want this blog to turn into a whine-fest reminiscent of a 14-year old’s diary. I am working on getting my act together and being there for some people who really need the support. Sometimes people close to you have problems that make you reassess the scope of your own. That is where I am at right now. Hopefully, I will find the time for more reflection here.

Doug Muder's Humanism of the Sun

I have been growing increasingly frustrated with the Humanist/non-theist blogosphere and publishing. Many people seem to put all of their energy into disputing any religious validity while offering nothing positive of their own. Then Doug Muder published this speech on the Humanism of the Sun today and it was like an inspiring salve to my little Humanist heart.

If you want to be reminded of what is awesome about Humanism and where it can lead humanity, go read it right now. It is a big longish, but well worth it. Go. Click. Read. Right now.

Happy Solstice!

Happy Solstice to one and all.

We let our girls stay up last night to watch the spectacular solstice lunar eclipse. We had great visibility from our deck except for right when the moon was totally eclipsed; the clouds had rolled in by then. The huge silver moon that set this morning was almost as beautiful. All in all, it is the start of a lovely solstice. Even if nothing else goes right today, knowing that the days start getting longer tomorrow makes me glad.

Staying up late had another benefit. Wrapping presents, listening to Christmas music the girls and I ended up having a great conversation about how we each see religion and how important it is to respect others’ viewpoints. The girls never really want to discuss religion with me when I try to teach them something, but this was a really honest and organic conversation that one of them started. I talked to them a little about what UU has meant to me. We decided that we all three have different beliefs and agreed to respect them. I am glad we had that time to talk. We also learned how to wrap presents around the new kitten-type members of the family – a useful skill.

I haven’t posted here is a while. I think I have been avoiding introspection, trying to keep everything together for the holidays. I have a couple of issues I have been rolling over in my mind and I should be putting them down to screen here soon. Till then, enjoy whatever holiday you are yours cherish.

Slow Christmas

I have just had the last busy weekend I want to have until the new year. I am focusing on having what I call a Slow Christmas this year – fewer presents, fewer activities, fewer obligations, less stress. I want to reclaim enjoying the holiday season. I simply refuse to spend any time in malls on the weekends for the rest of the month. I will do things with my family that I enjoy doing and will take on fewer things that I have to do. I will be mindfull and present for one of the last Christmases I will probably have with both my girls at home full time. I really mean it this year.

In our house tonight we will have one of my favorite parts of the season – putting up the Christmas tree!