Professional Insincerity

In my newish position in work, I am learning to do a lot more networking. I'm a pretty social, chatty person so talking to people is no big deal. But I find that I feel really drained afterword and I wonder if that is due to the work of maintaining a facade.

I like to meet new people and get to know them, I do. Any readers who have been to professional cocktail parties know that you don't really get to know people at these events. You make small talk with people while you size them up to see if they have any possible use to you. You exchange business cards and you follow up with those that seem promising. It's the insincerity that bothers me. At least when I used to chat up customers we all knew why: yes, I want to hear about your child's sports team, but I also really want you to continue spending your money with us. I also saw the same people more often and had more of a relationship with them.

I would be happy to sit down over tea and pastry and talk to almost everyone I met tonight. I'd love to get to know them. Instead, I spun around in a mad rush of handshaking and name tag reading. (By the way, I hate wearing name tags.) Insincerity is a pretty big deal for me. I left the church because I was tired of being insincere. Any suggestions for how I can do my job and still not feel like a fake?

I don't mean to sound too much like a whiner; I like my job and feel really fortunate to have it. Also, I did run into an old friend tonight who I haven't seen in years. Knowing how I feel about some of the people I saw tonight, I can't help but wonder if she meant it when we agreed to get together.

In Memoriam

I'd like to acknowledge and thank all of those who died defending this country. I profoundly wish that no one else had to.

My thanks and sympathy go to everyone who lost a loved one who died out of love and duty. Your loss and strength are also great.

Mamma Mia and the Divine Feminine

I enjoy the film Mamma Mia in a visceral way. Watching it is just a completely joyful experience. So why is that? Why do myself and so many other women respond to this movie in such a powerful way? Artistically, it is far from the best film I have ever seen, yet it has worked its way onto my desert island list.

Last night, watching Mamma Mia with the girls had me thinking about this and I have a theory. Mamma Mia taps into the same hunger as The Davinci Code: a longing for the divine feminine. Both of these are flawed works, but they are so phenominally successful, I believe in part, to demonstrating the value of the feminine.

Mamma Mia is not a religious film. Most of the emphasis is on women's relationships with other women, and with themselves; the men are there to move the story along. Corny as it is, the scene where Meryl Streep plays pied piper while singing "Dancing Queen" is a celebration of the divine feminine. I know it's schmaltzy, but watching all of those women throw down their toils and responsibilities to run along and celebrate the dancing queen inside of each of them moves me. The film tells us that each of us has something that is strong and beautiful and independent, but it also craves connection with others on own terms.

It is directed by Phyllida Law, and the woman's touch shows. The interactions between the women ring true in a way that is uncommon in most films directed by men. Even's the film's sense of humor seems more feminine to me.

A lot of digital ink has already been spent on The Davinci Code, so I won't spend much time here. It's fair to say, though, that much of its worldwide success can be attributed to people being curious about or enamored with the idea of women having an important role in religion. There is a hole in male-dominated religions, and people responded in droves when even an over-hyped pot-boiler of a novel acknowledged that there was something to fill that hole.

Hopefully, we will see more art that either overtly or indirectly deals with the feminine as a source of inspiration and strength and spiritual comfort.

Bonding with Buffy

Daughter E and I will be bonding over Buffy the Vampire Slayer this afternoon. Tiny Daughter M is going to a sleepover and the big girl and I try to watch Buffy whenever she is away.

There have been many things, from Alice In Wonderland to Star Trek that I just couldn't wait to introduce to my children. I imagined how much they would love discovering these fictional worlds that meant so much to me and helped to shape who I am. Predictably, she has rejected almost all of them. The child doesn't even like science-fiction! How could I have a child with no interest in sci-fi at all? Instead she invests her attention in anime, etc. This was both shocking and disappointing to me.

I am a Buffy fanatic. Without much hope, I invited Daughter E to watch it with me last year. Dear readers, she loves it! We finally have a geek universe to share. It may be a small thing, but it's one thing we agree upon and share. I am looking forward to watching her experience all of the Slayer's adventures for the first time.

Beltane Redux

I had my second, and much belated Beltane this weekend. This was my second ritual with a women's group affiliated with the local UU fellowship. I am just getting to know them, but I feel really at home with these women.

This sense of connection and community was something I had hoped I could find in the UU body here, and it feels wonderful to find it. I felt very welcomed, like my contributions were equal to anyone else. There was no hint of insider vs. outsider status.

I wanted to find a women's group for a long time. I just never expected to find it with a bunch of UU's. So far, it's been a great surprise.

On Being Artemis

Ever since I was a very young little Christian girl attending Christian school, I have identified strongly with Athena. She seemed so strong and so much like who I wanted to be. Later, when I learned about Irish myths, Brigid was the goddess for which I felt the most affinity. No coincidence there.

So it struck me with some surprise this morning when it occurred to me that I am having an Artemis year. This doesn't mean I want to be totally independent, or that I am not still fanatically attached to my husband, but lately I have been more comfortable with doing things on my own terms. In many different little ways, I have been putting myself forward more like I am and less how people think I should be. Or maybe how I think they think I should be.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have never been a Stepford-anything, I've always enjoyed being a little bit of a contrarian. I've been putting more of an emphasis on embracing and honoring the real me. Maybe it started with feeling more financially stable, and therefore, capable. It now ranges from everything from my appearance to dealing with a difficult co-worker. I don't feel like making excuses anymore. I don't want this to sound like everything is my-way-or-the-highway, but I feel a lot less like apologizing for my choices.

We have made some unconvential choices in our life: we are still a one-car family, my husband was a stay at home dad for 5 years and still works part time, we don't enrole our kids in group sport, we are gamer geeks who enjoy the company of other gamer geeks. I was confortable with these decisions, but sometimes concerned about how they looked to others. Well, I am much less concerned lately and it feels good.

It's time to brush up on Artemis/Diana myths and some meditation on them. My view of deities is that of archetypes, so there is something for me to learn or develop there. I know that Athena will always be the mythic role model closest to me, but maybe she won't mind if I take some guidance from Artemis for just a while.

New Car

We bought a new car this weekend. Our 15-year old station wagon breathed its last on the previous weekend while I was at the grocery store and it was time to bite the bullet and upgrade.

I am very happy with the vehicle we chose, but I have never had a car payment in my life. I'm still kind of reeling with that anxiety. In the last year, we have bought a house and two-year old vehicle. I don't usually fret amount money; either we have it or we don't. But we had a RIF a couple of months ago at work, and I have been worried about whether or not I will be able to continue to support my family at this new standard if I lose my job.

On the other hand, I have never had a nice car before either. This new Jeep is reliable and has a great warranty. I don't have to worry about whether the heater will work in the winter, or if it will make it on a long drive out of town. That security is very comforting. Also, it is very fun to drive. I had no plans to buy an SUV, but it is surprisingly fuel efficient and our commute is very short.

I feel strongly that we ought not to live beyond our means, but I also don't want my girls to feel like they are growing up deprived. I don't usually cook much in the summer, but I guess I'll be cooking more so we can afford the new chariot.

Walking in Mindfulness, Or Not

As is my wont in the summer, I put on my walking shoes and walked over the the nearby lake at lunch. I usually listen to music, but I have misplaced my earbuds so I had to hoof it on my own.

This seemed like a perfect opportunity to practice walking meditation, but it just felt like too much work. I wanted to wind down from work, not work on something else. so, I made a deal with myself, I would let my mind go wherever it pleased to wander on the way to the lake, and I would put my best effort into mindfulness on the way back to work. I am really happy with the result.

I walked in the sunshine toward the Chugach mountains and let my mind leap around like the monkey it is. I thought about blogging, and sushine. I stopped to watch the caterpillar cross the bike path. Why I find caterpillers adorable and maggots repulsive when they are the same thing will not be explored here. I thought about how little and green the new birch leaves are, but how they add up to such great effect, I thought about Star Trek. I thought a lot about Star Trek. I thought about the book I'm reading and how much it changed my philosophy, but felt so true the first time I read it. It underscores for me that there is no separation between the physical and the spiritual even though that is not what it is about. This type of mental meandering is one of the most relaxing things in the world for me and I don't want to give it up to be mindfull all the time. I know it's not disciplined, but it is nourishing.

On the way back to the office, I focused on where I was at the time, my breath, the rhythm of my steps and all the sounds and beautiful sights around me. This is also time well spent, but I don't think I would have been as prepared or as able to commit to the concentration without the earlier mental downtime. I don't have a name for this reverse meditation, but it's peaceful and I need it. An aspect of the UU path I find really valuable is that I don't have to always be doctinaire.

Tired of Arguing

Something I am struggling with is how to be reasonable and civil with people who have no intention of responding in kind.

It addition to coming from a very conservative family, I work in a very red industry in a very red state. This often brings me into conflict with others. On the plus side, I have grown past the point where I need to argue about politics or religion with anyone who would hold still for it. My current frustration is that I can't figure out how to get people to agree to disagree once they find out we are not in accord.

Continually, I find myself in conversation that begin with something like, "what do you mean you don't believe in God". A co-worker in the next office over cannot understand why I keep asking her not to quote scripture at people when we are in a common setting. I truly do want to be polite and respect the viewpoints of others even when I strongly disagree with them, but I keep getting backed into a corner and I can only repeat, "I don't really want to get into that right now" so many times. This same co-worker and others will often inform other people of my political views, people with whom I would never bring up either politics or religion. I have been called a communist and a flag burner by some of these people. I have gone to far as to tell one person that I would be happy to talk to him when he wants to discuss business, but I will not discuss the election at all. Requests to cease this behavior have not been successful.

I am not afraid to defend my views, but I don't want to be badgered about them all the time either. What really sets me over the edge is these same people will then tell me how rude liberals are and that all we do is call people names, with no ideas of our own.

I know this blog is technically public, but I consider this spiritual development I am going through to be very private. I have never told anyone at work or in my extended family about it because I don't want to have to defend it. How can I get the message through to these Christian and conservative crusaders that I don't want to argue with them, but I also do not want to be preached at? Has anyone had any success with this?

Why We Need Empathy

I've been reading Reading Lolita in Tehran and it's a fascinating look at how people who know better gradually succumb to tyranny. It is also an exploration of how literature affects us as readers. Maybe this resonates so strongly with me because I have always been such a rabid bibliovore. I have never been able to understand how some people don't like to read.

Empathy runs throughout the book. I can sometimes be too empathetic to the point that it becomes paralyzing, but we undervalue this trait. Empathy is what we learn in literature and it is what prevents us from creating an "us" and a "them". It allows us to see everyone as a complex person. Empathy won't allow you to de-humanize others. It insists that you try to understand or at least imagine their point of view. Without it, we can never really appreciate art.

Empathy makes it possible for me to respect someone else's choices. It is very easy to lump groups of people together and make assumptions about them based on that group affiliation. It is also very easy to judge them. But if we are really to respect the right of every person to seek spiritual truth on their own terms, we need empathy. Like I said, I tend to be very empathetic, but lately it has really difficult to respect the point of view of conservative Christians. I have been turning them into a "them" and you cannot love people when you think of them that way. If nothing else, I am going to have to remember to see the perspective of some of my relatives and not just view them as crazy people who are trying to make me miserable.

This would be much simpler if more of the Christians in my life showed respect and understanding for my choices, but I can't make them change their minds about my beliefs. I can, however, stop treating them like the enemy.

Giving Up Dairy

As sad as the prospect makes me, I'm going to give up dairy products for a month to see if it will help with my sinus problems. I'm not really a milk drinker, but the prospect of life without cheese is not one I look forward to. My motto is that bleu cheese should go on almost everything. I think I would rather give up meat than cheese. I am also devoted to both Haaden-dazs and to my ice cream maker.

Other than hopefully feeling better, my only consolation is the tiny environmental impact I'll be making my buying less animal-based food. If there are any other milk-avoiders out there with advise for how to make the next month bearable (and I know already that vanilla-flavored soy milk on cereal is not bearable) please let me in on your tricks, secrets, and various other dairy-free coping mechanisms.

Making Beltane Memories

I haven't written in a few days because we are having the most amazing and gorgeous May weekend I can ever remember. The lure of frolicking and yard work in the sun is just way too strong to even consider coming inside to turn on the computer. I have always gotten a special high from sunshine that can't be beat. I have more energy and joy in a sunbeam than anywhere else. Sometimes I think I must be photosynthesizing.

Saturday was my first public Beltane celebration with the local CUUPS group. The weather was so amazing we brought chairs out and held our ritual outside like it ought to be. The heat was around 70 degrees. I have lived in Alaska for 33 years and I never, NEVER remember it being 70 degrees in May, much less early May. This unexpectedly gorgeous day truly made it seem like the first day of summer that Beltane is meant to be. Everyone was playful and the whole evening was fun.

Sometimes I think northern Pagans need to adjust the wheel of the year to fit our actual cycles. Often the meaning of the celebration doesn't fit what is acutally going on around us. We still have snow at Ostara and winter has usually already begun at Samhain. This makes it harder to apply the natural cycles to my spiritual life. This was a glorious exception and I can't think of a better setting for my first Beltane. I'm still happy thinking about it. We got through a dismal summer and a nasty winter last year, so this summer-like weekend is like medicine for our shivering souls. I can't wait for summer solstice.

Why is Mindfulness So Hard?

My husband calls me anti-zen, but I really am trying to learn. It's just that doing anything mindfully for more than 10 seconds is really hard.

Yesterday I watched a six-minute video of Thich Nhat Hahn talking about mindfulness and I couldn't even watch that mindfully. I thought a lot about how hard mindfulness is, what I've tried in the past, what has and has not worked for me before, etc. I even thought, I should blog about this. I was on the same subject he was, but I probably missed a lot of what he was trying to say.

I don't think my mind has ever not being doing multiple things at once. If nothing else, I am constantly analyzing everything all the time. I mean all the time. I had always considered my mental multi-tasking to be a strength, but is it really a stumbling block to my spiritual growth? I enjoy basic seated meditation, but trying to bring an attitude of mindfulness into the rest of my life is much much harder. How much do I need to incorporate it into my daily life? If I devote times and activities to mindfulness, can I be a mental monkey the rest of the time?

Sometimes when I am trying to apply mindfulness, someone, like one of my kids, will interrupt me, which is very very irritating. Now am I mad and frustrated because can't she see I was trying to be mindful? I'm pretty sure this is the exact opposite of the intended effect.

I love the idea of mindfulness meditation. I like that it's a calming and contemplative discipline that doesn't require theist beliefs. It sometimes seems like that is just not how my brain wants to work. Does anyone have any ideas that have worked for them? How have you moved mindfulness from the meditation mat out into your life?