My last word on Keillor

I'm going to be a bit of a contrarian for a moment, if I may. Now that I have had time to consider it more, I've come to a conclusion regarding Garrison Keillor's recent controversial essay on Silent Night: He's kidding.

Had we heard this essay read in his usual dry and droll manner, I think the satire would have been more readily apparent. I don't think it is good satire or it wouldn't have been so easy to take seriously. Everything I have read and heard from Keillor leads me to believe that he is not an anti-Semite who hates "White Christmas" and is totally ignorant of the pagan origins of many Christmas traditions. That seemed strange to me the first time I read his article and it makes less and less sense the more I think about it. Does anyone really think he is that stupid?

Keillor and I disagree on gay marriage and probably other things as well, but I have never believed he was so ill-informed. The next thing you know he will probably be quoted as saying Unitarians can't take a joke.

One question

Why is it that when President Obama apologizes for for American arrogance overseas he is a traitor who does not love his country and is not fit to hold public office, but when Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachman prays on a live "prayer cast" that our country deserves the Wrath of God she is a true patriot who stands up for values and who is trying to save America?

Can someone explain this to me?

Keillor in a Teapot

I was going to post on Garrison Keillor's recent article, but I find that plenty has already been published. Paul Oakley's take on the subject is well worth reading.

Keillor should focus on his own church rather than worrying about what other people sing in theirs, but I still like him. I loved his book Homegrown Democrat. Right now, I am way too mad at members of the religious right for using the name of God to host a "prayer cast" against health care and taxes to get to riled up about Keillor. I didn't care for his article, but it is a pretty minor deal compared to people preaching that God Allmightly is calling on us to resist health care reform. I guess all those Christians in every other developed country in the world must feel pretty stupid now. Now we've shown them that the free health care they enjoy is the work of Satan.

Such a digusting and blatant abuse of religion is such a disgrace that I can't get worked up about the words to "Silent Night". I'm just going to continue to pay outrageous health premiums and sign Christmas carols however I please.

Satisfied With Here and Now

I went for another beautiful wintry walk this evening, this time after dark. I am trying to learn to enjoy winter this year and the current scenery and relative warmth are helping with that quite a bit. Things kind of clicked in my head tonight while sweeping snow off the deck. This winter appreciation effort is part of learning to not only be happy, but to be satisfied with where I am.

Much of my life has been spent wishing I lived in a better place or a better time or a better lifestyle. Part of that is an overactive imagination, but only a part. If only I were... then my life would really be the way I want it to be. But my time and place to be is here. My energy is better spent making this the here and now I want instead of pining for what isn't.

Please someone remind me of this in a few months when it is bitter cold and dark, and I want to be anywhere in the world other than here. That is why hot baths were invented.

Winter Wonderland

I am not well know for loving winter. Our summers are spectacular, but I generally see winter as something to be endured. While our friends on the east coast have been getting all of the snow, Anchorage has had an unusual week of ice fog. Now I have something to celebrate.

There are trees all over Anchorage and now they are all coated with the most amazing looking hoar frost. The whole world looks like one big Ansel Adams photo. The bike path to the nearby lake reminds me of a faery land and some Narnia jokes were made. I know it will just be a matter of days before wind or snow changes it all so I am savoring every drive and walk of every day while it is here.

These photos were taken with my phone and they don't do the scenery justice, but I wanted to share some of this beauty with you. They were all taken in color by the way. I am grateful to have something to appreciate about winter since one of my goals is to find the good in what I have instead of wishing for something else. I reserve the right to change my mind by February, but right now I am loving winter in Anchorage.

War on Christmas and Colleagues

It must finally be the holiday season. I just had my first "War on Christmas" conversation with a co-worker. Sigh. I'm not sure which of us walked away more frustrated. How do you argue with someone who actually believes it when they say, "Christians don't have any rights anymore, we are not valued."? She claims the ACLU isn't going to let her say Merry Christmas anymore. I mean, where do you even start with that?

Also, the ACLU apparently NEVER represents Christians according to this dubious source. If anymore knows of a case where they have, please let me know as I'm sure I will get hit with this topic again.

Belated Thanksgiving Post

Shoveling four inches of new snow wasn't something I planned to add to my to-do list on Thanksgiving Day. When framed differently, though, I got to have 40 or so minutes of peace and quiet that I was not going to get inside the house. I saw the tail end of a beautiful sunrise that I would otherwise have missed. Then I reminded myself to be thankful that I was able-bodied enough to be able to shovel my driveway. It was actually one of the best parts of the day.

Pagans in Slate

There is an interesting article today in Slate on the efforts pagans sometimes go to in celebrating Samhain. It is not exactly the type of article that might recruit a lot of people since it presents pagans in a not unrealistic, but not super flattering light. I think pagans may recognize themselves and nod and smile while non-pagans might wonder why anyone would want to deal with all the hassle instead of just sitting in a nice comfy pew. Still, I was happy to see pagans addressed in a mainstream publication without having to justify their beliefs or refute a lot of myths.

What Is Wrong With UU the Way it Is?

Why are UU's so down with what is wrong with UU's?

I'm really puzzled by this one. I just found Unitarian Universalism and I like it. I still have trouble with the idea of being religious, but most of the time I feel at home here. It's a place and an idea where I fit and and I'm not judged. But frequently when I open UU blogs the subject seems to be what is wrong with UU's and UU churches and OMG-what-we-need-to-change-right-now-or-we-will-never-ever-grow. This does not fill one with confidence.

I understand that churches need to pay pastors and they must have sufficient members and revenue to do so, so I get the church growth thing from that angle. But, for cyin' out loud, what is so wrong with Unitarian Universalism?

Often it seems like the exact things that attracted me to UU fellowship are the things that desperately need to change and that makes me feel like maybe I'm not the kind of person you are trying to attract. I know that isn't true, but sometimes it make me feel unwelcome. I wish there were more people of color and people under 40 in our local fellowship and in the association as a whole, I do. But damn it, I am a white middle-class woman who listens to NPR, buys organic food, doesn't believe in God, and votes Democrat and I don't think I should have to apologize for that. This community sold me on what you had, but then the focus shifted how you should really be something different and you shouldn't want to appeal so much to me. I bought what you were selling because it means something to me.

For a long time, I pretended to be something I wasn't to fit in at my childhood church. I left that behind with great relief, sure that I would never attend a church again. Here I am a few years later finding a church that speaks to me. So why is everyone trying to change it and improve it to appeal to someone else? If I don't fit in as a UU, I can't imagine finding another church that fits.

I hope I didn't step on any toes here, but I wanted to get that off my chest. I really am asking the question, not just complaining. I'd be grateful for any polite arguments, agreements, enlightenment or information on the matter.

Connection and Friendship

I had a great dinner last night with a friend. It feels really good to reconnect. Early this year, the couple who we did everything with split up. The man* is one of our oldest and dearest friends so there was no question that he would get custody of us in the break-up.

I'd been associating with this woman, let's call her Space Vixen, regularly for six years and I didn't know I would miss her so much. I nervously sent her a message last week not sure whether or not I would remind her of the part of her life she wanted to leave behind. I've always wondered if she truly valued our friendship or if I was just part of the package that came with her ex. We had dinner last night and it went really well. It was so good to see her and catch up on her life. It sounds like things are going very well for her and I'm glad, even if I am still sad for our friend.

When I grew up Anchorage was a military town with a boom & bust oil-based economy. Friends moving away was just part of life and I got really good of letting go of people. Once they were gone I just didn't let it bother me. But as I get older, I find these connections are harder to let go. Those people who share memories with me are important and I am willing to work harder to maintain relationships. If I were to sum up my sense of spirituality in one word, it would be "connection". It may not be why I am here on this planet, but it is why I can cherish my time here. I am connected to so many things and some of them much more strongly than this one, but life is a little more whole after re-establishing my connection to Space Vixen.

*Can't yet think of a clever, approriate, and inoffensive nom d'ecran for him yet. I'm sure one will be forthcoming.

Welcoming the Darkness

It's gotten really dark around here. I went to the grocery store on my wild and crazy Saturday night and when I came out, it had gotten all the way dark. The nights have been getting dimmer lately, but I haven't been out at night much lately so this took me by surprise, like it does every year.

I know this probably reads at strange to most of you, but here in Alaska we go the whole summer without ever seeing true pitch darkness. I am such a sun worshiper that the return of the dark usually makes me sad and I dread the winter. Maybe it's because we had such a truly amazing summer this year that I can't begrudge it's ending. This fall we have actually been experiencing a real autumn and I could get used to that. Instead of feeling like I can't let it go, this summer left me sated and the evening dark was strangely cozy and comforting.

This time of year is the best for stargazing up here because it's dark enough to actually see the stars, but not yet too cold to go out and stare up at them. I know that by February, I will be barking at the moon from craving a little natural light. My new(ish) office has no windows which makes it even worse. Right now in this moment I'm liking it. I'm comfortable with season's change and that's a good place to be.

Sorry for the extended weather report, but there is something about this that feels different for me this year. Maybe I'm getting better at accepting things as they are and not what I want them to be. Boy, this post it pretty rambly so I'll just cut it off.

Adventures at the Library

Tiny Daughter M and I went to the library today. I've been wanting to read Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book for a while now, but decided to wait for October for the right mood setting. I knew it was written for children, but I enjoyed Coraline. When The Graveyard Book started winning every genre award around, including the Hugo, I felt like it might be worth my time.

So today at the library, I couldn't find it on the shelf in the young adult section even when the computer said they had two available copies. After consulting the children's librarian, she took us back to the juvenile section where the two copies were shelved. I was pretty sure I knew, but I asked why the different shelving areas and she replied that the juvenile section was for 3rd - 8th graders.

At this point, I chose not to inform her that the book was for me. I just thanked her and walked away. At least Tiny Daughter M was there as cover story for me. Then we went upstairs and harassed my high school English teacher who now works as a librarian.

Read a Banned Book

I've haven't written here in a while. Life has been just a little crazy lately, but I am working on finding equilibrium again. I have not, actually, fallen on the face of the earth.

This week the American Library Association celebrates Banned Books Week. It's a bit gimmicky, but it's a nice reminder to stop and appreciate the freedom to write and read whatever we want in this nation (mostly). My current read is The Tipping Point, by Malcolm Gladwell and it is unlikely to be banned anywhere in the U. S anytime soon. The last book I read was Things I Have Been Silent About by Azar Nafisi. Ending her title on a preposition only bothers me a teensy little bit, but I love her memoirs so much that I won't let that get in the way.

Nafisi's previous book, Reading Lolita in Tehran, is an amazing book and this week would be a perfect time to start it if you haven't already. In memoir form, it explores a number of themes including what makes literature relevant to our lives and the psychic toll taken on women who saw a glimpse of freedom only to lose it. It's a fascinating picture of life in Iran and it will make you more grateful to be able to pick up a copy of Tropic of Cancer or Slaughterhouse 5, or Harry Potter or whatever book you so choose. So go read something controversial.

What are your favorite banned or controversial books?

Belated Birthday Gift

My father just showed up with the most awesome belated birthday gift: a bb gun.

As a child, I was a total tomboy and obsessed with cowboys. I wanted a bb gun more than almost anything in the world, except for maybe a horse, and Star Wars toys too but you get the point. My mother did not allow even toy guns in the house because they were violent. My nephew is 12 years younger than me and when I was a teenager my parents BOUGHT HIM A BB GUN! You can imagine my outrage, my teenaged assurance that life was TOTALLY UNFAIR.

I may have brought this story up a few hundred times in the last 20 or so years. So today, my father presented me with my very own bb gun. I don't think I will actually use it as much as my 9-year old self would have, but I love his sense of humor. As a footnote, my mother still thinks this is a stupid gift. Sometimes you just gotta' love your family.

Finding Time For Spiritual Practice

Over the summer I developed a habit of spending a few minutes of either chanting or quiet seated mediation in the morning right after the sun salutations that save my back. Now that school is back in session and the mornings are full of getting children ready, finding this quiet time has gotten really hard. Evenings are full of dinner and homework, etc and after bedtime if for reading, hot baths, and time with the Husband. I cannot possible get up any earlier than 6 AM; it is everything this night owl can do to pry herself out of bed that early, but I miss those moments of peace.

What solutions have other parents found for carving out a little spiritual time? The Husband is very good about making sure the kids give me Me Time for baths, walks, time away from the house and the like, but none of that is the same as just sitting quietly. I'd love to hear what works for the rest of you.

Ted Kennedy as Symbol of Redemption

When I grew up the name Ted Kennedy was synonymous with everything that was wrong with America. Even though he was a Catholic, he was shorthand for all of the liberal secular humanists who were trying to turn America away from God and marginalize god-fearing Christians. It was not until I was an adult that I came to admire Sen. Kennedy as an extraordinary human being.

I'm sure we will all get a chance in the coming days to read all about Kennedy's many accomplishments, but what speaks to me the most about his life is the idea of redemption. We all know that Ted Kennedy was a flawed human being; he was capable of fucking up in a truly spectacular manner. What I admire about him were his choices to carry on and fight the good fight anyway.

At least twice in his life, after his brothers' assassinations and after Chappaquiddick, he could have thrown in the towel and no one would be blamed him for doing so. He could have decided not to put his life on the line for another gunman. He could have decided it was not worth salvaging his reputation. He could have lived a life of entitled frivolity, jet-setting and yachting for the rest of his days, but he didn't. Few characters in the American drama have come back from these set-backs and achieved greatness by working tirelessly for other.

This is the Ted Kennedy that I will miss. We are all flawed people, and his life is a example and a testament to continuing on with a noble purpose in spite of all our flaws. We are all capable of moving past our personal grief and addictions to do what we see needs to be done. There are no excuses. There is no one whose life is washed-up, who does not have an opportunity to make something good of themselves. We all can be redeemed. Obviously Kennedy was born with many benefits, but we all have our own gifts even if our backgrounds are not so grand. I wish that when I die, I might have effected so much good and helped as many people as he did.

Here's to Senator Edward Moore Kennedy. He will be missed.

Flash of Personal Revelation

I just realized something and I want to get it down before I forget it. Yes, I realize I should keep a journal, but that is not really the point right now. Pardon me if this sounds dis-jointed, but I haven't really organized the thoughts yet.

I have a very overactive imagination, but I've always struggled with visualization. I can't watch most horror films because I imagine what it would feel like if I were in that totally unrealistic position. I can stay freaked out for weeks over something that wouldn't bother most middle schoolers because I can imagine something similar playing out. Because of my imagination, I am actually pretty good at putting myself in someone else's shoes, at least as much as anyone can know what happens in another person's brain. So why am I so bad at visualization? If I am such a mental person, shouldn't that be the easy part?

I was just reading about trance work and visualization and thinking about why they are so hard when it occured to me like a flash that my imagination tends to work in terms of how something feels, not how it looks. (Bob from Twin Peaks is an exception to this rule.) I may be dense not to have noticed this before, but this was such a shock that I had to put down the book. You see, I am a strongly visual learner and emotions are the part of life where I have the most trouble. Even though I have many of them in my life, people with strong emotions can have me back-pedaling before I even know what happened. Part of the reason I started practicing paganism was to strengthen my emotional, alogical side. It felt like something I needed to do, even though it didn't make logical sense to me.

None of this makes any sense to me right now and I don't know what to make of it, but it is true. Anyone have any advice on what to do with this bit of insight?

Kind of Blue Turns 50

Still celebrating awesomeness, Miles Davis's Kind of Blue turned 50 yesterday. I wanted to commemorate this yesterday, but for some reason it didn't get transferred to my iPod and the physical disk is AWOL. This is truly one of the greatest albums ever, so if you've got it, give it a listen. Seldom do we ever get to see so much talent come together to make such a nearly perfect thing.

If anyone knows where my disk is, let me know.

In Honor of Awesome Day

To honor Chalicechick's holiday of Awesome Day, I would like to celebrate the following fact: yesterday on August 16, 2009 I found my most favorite sleeveless summer weight sweater that has been missing since I moved over a year ago in Tiny Daughter M's closet. I mean, I LOVE this sweater.

I am wearing said sweater today and I feel awesome in it. Yay for getting rid of her too small clothes.

In other yesterday news, we played Rock Band with my sister-in-law and her boyfriend who are visiting and much fun was had. We haven't seen her in a long time and we miss her. The boyfriend got to see a moose which blew his mind and our good friend The Comic Book Guy sings a version of "Master Exploder" more awesome than we deserve.

Gay Rights Ordinance Passes in Anchorage

Finally some good political news. I've been pretty discouraged lately every time I read the news, but here is a tiny little ray of sunshine here in our very red state of Alaska. The Anchorage Assembly has passed an ordinance protection gays, lesbians, and transgenders from discrimination. Article here if you are interested.

This victory was hard fought and the battle was ugly. I've written previously about the opposition to passing this ordinance. I'm honestly surprised it passed. Our new mayor has seven days to decide whether or not to veto and he claims he still is not sure what he will do. Mayor Sullivan is both a Catholic and a political conservative so the odds are likely he will choose to veto. To give you a hint, Sarah Palin stated that nothing would make her happier than to be able to work with Dan Sullivan as Mayor of Anchorage. Any of you living in Anchorage, please call or e-mail Mayor Sullivan and ask him politely to respect the rights of all his constituents and allow the ordinance to become law.

With all the negativity and craziness that is the current American political forum, here's one for the good guys!

Julie and Julia

I went to see Julie and Julia this weekend with my mother and Daughter E. I love Meryl Streep, I'm kind of a foodie and I enjoyed Julie Powell's book so I looked forward to the film. What I forgot was that a lot of Nora Ephron's work is crap.

Everything you have heard and read about Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci is true so I won't go into it here. The modern day side of the story really gets short-changed though. Contrary to what other reviewers have said, this isn't Amy Adams's fault. The screenplay spends so much time on Jula Child that it omits much of the flavor (pardon the pun) of Powell's book. Structurally I understand what Ephron is going for here, but she has stripped away everything that makes Powell an interesting or sympathetic person. We get to see her as a wife and see the role of writing in her life, but we miss out on her wit and her relationship to the food.

As a woman and a film snob, I'm glad to see studios taking chances on films that feature women and those that are created by women. I mean, I loves me some Mamma Mia! in spite of its flaws. This is a good step both for women and for art. I just hope that they will open the doors a little wider to welcome women other than Ephron and a few others.

Condolences

I didn't know Tim Jensen. I had only been reading his blog a short time. Still, my condolences go out to all of his family and friend who miss him.

Chaotic Lughnasadh

Our local CUUPS group hosted a strange Lammas/Lughnasadh ritual last night. Members of the group take turns as High Priest and Priestess and this ritual was led by our local Discordians.

Now, it's not that I don't appreciate some of the points made. Even though it started (and often continues) as a joke, the Discordians have an interesting message. I like the emphasis on those un-looked-for blessings, the life changing moments that come out of nowhere. It is good to notice and appreciate those once in a while. It is good to remember that while harmony in a worthy goal, disorder always lurks beneath the suface of order and that is not always a bad thing. I believe there really is a time and place for last night's ritual.

I don't think Lughnasadh is it. Maybe it is just because the lessons of Lughnasadh have been speaking to me the last few days. Lugh is believed to be an analog of Hermes and I have always had tremendous affection for Hermes. It felt like I needed to hear the lessons about reaping the works of your labors and being multi-skilled. I was hoping for a ritual experience that would embed the ideas swirling in my head. Instead I got a quick thank you to Lugh, mixed for some reason with Gaia, but now let's really talk about Eris all night.

Since our CUUPS group only gathers on the Sabbats, I'm not sure when the right occasion would be to repeat something like last night. Maybe the disruption of the scheduled holiday is part of the point, but when people started quoting Monty Python as part of the ritual I knew my spiritual needs were not going to be met. I went home unsatisfied. The rest of the group seemed to really enjoy the frivolity so then I felt like I was being negative and worst of all, conservative. I guess part of celebrating with an eclectic pagan group is that sometimes you might not like the flavor of the month.

Athena's Messenger Bag

I don't really share my pagan practices with my children, much. We sometime talk about myths or about different ways to think about spirituality, but I pretty much leave them out of most of it.

Having said that...

We recently bought Tiny Daughter M a new lunch box. School starts a little early here so we are starting to get ready. It is shaped like a tiny messenger bag covered with owls, her favorite bird, all in her favorite color. She is so in love with it that she wears it all over the house. Because of its shape and pattern, The Husband declared that she was "Athena's Messenger". After reminder her who Athena is, she really liked the title. She now declares that it is her Athena's Messenger Bag. At least until it starts hauling food to school.

Nothing about this encounter was especially deep, but I just really liked the idea of spreading wisdom. Maybe I just like it when the girls like things that I like and I have always resonated with Athena. My daughters have certainly helped me to become wiser. I like the goal: to become Athena's messenger maybe just even to myself.

Coulter-flavored Irony

So when I clicked Publish Post on a my last post praising Jon Stewart, an ad for Ann Coulter's book popped up. I was not prepared for that. At least I can be pretty sure they are not tailoring the ads to the content.

Jon Stewart is the Most Trusted Newsman in America

This makes me giddy. I may have once casually referred to Jon Stewart as "my personal lord and savior" but only because he made it possible to get throught the Bush years still somewhat sane.

My only trouble now is that I cannot watch The Daily Show and Rachel Maddow at the same time. Life is full of difficult choices.

Star Trek and UU

This weekend the Husband and I went to see Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan at the local theatre pub. I hadn't seen it on a big screen since I was seven. I can still remember waiting in line with my parents for over an hour for tickets. It may have been the first time I ever cried at a movie. This was a great nostalgia moment for me.

I got to thinking about how much Star Trek has meant to me and shaped my life. I have been a Trekkie since before I was old enough to go to school. There is actually an embarrassing Kirk-related kindergarten story about this. I probably wouldn't be a Humanist and I definitely would not be a UU without the lessons Trek taught me.

Star Trek taught me to accept different points of view for being as valid as my own. It taught me to stand up for the rights of everyone, but that no one needs to be right all of the time when it comes to matters of opinion. People are generally the best guide to how they live their own lives. I learned that sexuality is normal and healthy, and that is OK to be a precocious kid who loves science. Trek taught both the beauty and value of reason, and its limits. I learned that there may be other types or expressions of consciousness, but they don't have to be supernatural. It is possible to have a valuable spiritual practice that does not involve chalking everything up to, "because God said".

I know that Gene Rodenberry was an avowed atheist, and he would have been horrified to know that his creation helped to push me in a more religious direction, but I truly believe I would not have gravitated towards UU'ism without it.

I recently introduced my girls to Deep Space 9. The older stuff is a hard sell for them. They may never love Star Trek like I do, but I want to at least expose them to it. It did more to shape my personal ethics than anything else I can think of and I hope it will be a great guide for them.

Jonesing For Harry, and Hermoine, and Dumbledore, and the Weasleys...

I still have six hours to go and I can't wait to see the new Harry Potter movie tonight. Daughter E and I have gone to each of the HP movies either on the opening weekend or opening day if it starts on a Wednesday. It's our tradition and I'm excited.

I've been jonesing to re-read the last two books, but I am about to finally finish the Dune series so I have to finish Chapterhouse Dune first.

I'm sure I'll have more to say later, either celebration and glee or scorn and dissappointment, but for now I'm just counting down the hours. I shall leave you with this: Hermoine rocks!

Choosing Chanting

I've started to incorporate chanting into my meditations. So far, I've been using a couple of the most famous Buddhist mantra. So far, the chanting has been much easier for me than simple breathing meditation. I realize that easiness may not be the ideal trait for choosing spiritual practices, but I've been enjoying it. It hasn't changed my whole life or anything, but I've been doing it for the past five mornings and I haven't had a bad morning since and that says a lot.

Any other chanters out there? What works for you? What are you focusing on while chanting? Any fantastic mantra to recommend? I'd be particularly interested in goddess-themed chants, but I would be intrigued to hear what works for you. Do you prefer to chant in English (or your native tongue) or in Sanskrit, Japanese, etc.? This whole practice couldn't be more antithetical to my previous experience and background so I would really love to hear what, if anything, works for other people.

Eagle Encounter and Great Alaska Weekend

It is my firm opinion that no one loves summer like Alaskans do. I love it even more than most. Weekends like this are what makes it worthwhile to live with winter seven months of the year. Just beautiful.

We had a great 4th of July weekend here in south-central Alaska. The extended fam, my best girlfriend, and I went to the Girdwood Forrest Fair on Saturday. Girdwood is a bedroom community based around a ski resort and also the infamous home of Ted Stevens's re-modeled house. They have a music festival there every year that features lots of booths selling only hand made goods, sort of like a small state fair run by hippies. We brought a pic nic and spent the day in the sunshine in the mountains. I think I'll plan the logistics differently next time, but it was a good time. I was the driver so no bier garden for me, but maybe next year.

Yesterday, the girls and I went to the local swimming hole lake and got up close and personal with an eagle. Anchorage residents can be pretty blase about encounters with wildlife; we frequently have moose in our yard in the winter and bears are becoming more of a problem in some parts of town. (I'm not kidding, a bear recently ate a co-worker's cat. She lives sort of out in the woods though.) This was amazing even by Anchorage standards. We often see bald eagles flying around our house. They like to hunt for fish in the local lakes, but I have never been this close to one before. The eagle had its eye on some delicious looking goslings, when some seaguls chased it into a tree. They usualyl stay up pretty high so you don't see them down in the cottonwoods, but there it was trying to get one of those fuzzy little floating snacks. We finally went up near to the tree when we realized the seaguls weren't going to let it go anywhere, they are quite insistant, and we were only about 35 feet from the eagle. It was amazing and I will probably never get that close to an eagle outside a zoo ever again.

I made a big batch of Alaska-style bouillabaisse last night with salmon, halibut, cod, clams, and crab stock, all caught wild by someone I know. Real Alaskans consider me too much of a city girl to count, but I felt authentic last night. We finished up the evening on my deck with my husband and a good friend and a mojito watching the squirrels in the trees. The hot temperatures made the evening shade feel just perfect. I often dread the hassle and expectations of holidays, but this was the perfect ending to a great 4th of July weekend.

Palin Resignation

Well, at least I know what everyone will be talking about at the office on Monday. I am working very hard right now to remember the inherent worth and dignity of Sarah Palin.

There is a lot that bothers me about this, but one of them is discourtesy. Palin had a meeting with Mark Begich, our newest U. S. Senator two days ago and never mentioned she was considering stepping down. The President of the Alaska State Senate didn't get so much as a courtesy phone call or e-mail. The President of the Republican Governors Association got a phone call minutes before her announcement. Unfortunately, that lack of consideration is what I've come to expect from Palin by now.

The lefty Alaska blogs are abuzz about possible federal corruption charges. I don't know if there is anything to them, so they are just rumours at this time. That's all Alaska needs, another corruption scandal. I almost hope it's true because quitting your responsibilities because people pick on you is not a reason to leave executive office. Welcome to politics. I've never voted for Palin, but those Alaskans who did should be pretty pissed off right about now. Right or wrong, the feeling up here is that she has abandoned this state for the national stage, but we elected her to do a job for four stinkin' years. She has a little over a year left in her term and she couldn't stick it out?

Once upon a time, before July 2008, I disagreed with Palin about a lot of things, but I thought she was a good role model for my girls. She balanced a family, a successful carreer, and faith and she did it all in style, without seeming to break a sweat. Over the last year I've pretty much done a 180 on that one. The message she sent to girls today was that when the going gets tough, just quit and find something more exciting to do.

Sing, Sing a Song

I am not the world's greatest singer, but I have always liked to sing and been interested in singing as an approach to life. No matter how many times I had to watch Sesame Street, I always loved the song, "Sing, Sing a Song" no matter who sang it. It's simple, but it says a lot to me.

Lately, I've been coming across several references to singing and its link to happiness. Usually, when I start to notice the same topic occurring or catching my eye repeated, it's time to pay attention. One was Lizard Eater's post, which I've already mentioned, another was on Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project. And there was a quote I wrote down the week before last at work.

After taking last week off from work, I sat down this morning, turned on my computer and started to read my e-mail with tea in hand when I looked down to see " 'I do not sing because I'm happy; I'm happy because I sing.' - William James" written on the top of my yellow legal notepad like it was the heading for my day. It helped re-frame my entire approach to the day and I actually was much happier to be at work.

At the risk of being a complete cornball maybe I'll make that quote into a sign for my desk so I can be reminded every morning. Sing and be happy; the worst that could happen is you'll look like a dork.

Creativity and the Recession Blues

While I am far from alone and should be grateful to have a job, this recession has gotten me down.

In April, my job asked me to take a 10% paycut, ouch. In May, our one functioning car died so we bought a new-to-us vehicle and added a car payment and more insurance, and now Tiny Daughter M's medical bills are staring to come due. The husband's job is very flexible and allows his to work around the girls' schedules, but it doesn't pay much. We decided years ago that I would be the breadwinner and now there is 10% less bread. It is not a rolling-in-money kind of time in the Attractor household.

I am very discouraged and frustrated by being back at broke. The Husband and I spent a lot of years just scraping by and it was only due to the help of fantastic grandparents that our daughters had some of the things we wanted for them, especially the older Daughter E. In the last couple of years I was starting to feel like we had finally made it. We bought the house we always wanted, while far from wealthy, we were no longer dancing on the threshhold of insolvency. We could actually think about taking a family vacation. It felt secure. Well, now we are back at barely being able to cover our bills. I hate having to deny the girls the things they want because of money over and over again. I'm already tired of saying it and they must be sick of hearing it. I know it's not true, but it feels like all the hard work has been for nothing. I try to remember that I now have a reliable vehicle and a house in a nice neighborhood with good schools instead of a crappy little car without a reliable heater and an apartment in the wrong part of town.

I have decided to change my attitude. I am now choosing to look at this financial setback as a chance to be more creative with what we do have (since we are still rich compared to most of the world) rather than focus on all of the things I cannot do or have. I'm sure I will have setbacks and get discouraged again, but if I refame this issue when I am merely frustrated I can usually stave off getting depressed about it. It would be easier to mope and dwell on it, but I don't want to go down that road. Remembering to excercise helps as well and walking is free!

So instead of taking the girls out for pastries and tea on Saturdays, I can bake more. Instead of buying more clothes, I'll be thinking about how to wear what I have differently. I will come up with creative ideas for family birthday gifts, maybe back to the baking idea. We have shelves of board and card games so family game nights can replace going out to the movies, etc. Thank you Netflix! We are already frequent flyers at the library. There will be no annual zoo pass, but we live next to the most beautiful park in this part of Alaska so why aren't we exploring it more? I still don't know how we are going to budget things like hair cuts, and school clothes, and the state fair, but we will just have to do what we can.

Anyone have any ideas to share about frugal creativity or for their own recession survival tips?

My Favorite Hymn

I was inspired today by Lizard Eater at The Journey today who has a lovely analysis of her favorite song, "How Can I Keep From Singing?" It is a wonderful song and I like what she has to say about it.

It reminded me of my favorite hymn, "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" which I play when I am down. I have three different versions on my iPod and I played them all back to back last week when I was trying to perk myself up.

It always surprised me that these old hymns can have such an effect on me. I don't believe in God anymore, and if I did it would not be the God of those songs. But I love them. Maybe it's just comforting memories of childhood, but some of them are just so beautiful. I don't really feel like Jesus is watching over me, like the sparrow, but it still makes me feel better. Mountains still make me want to sing, "How Great Thou Art". I don't really have to understand it if it works, but it still puzzles me.

A couple of years ago, I realized that I knew so few sing-a-long songs to teach my girls and I wondered why that was when we sang all the time when I was a kid. Then it dawned on me: most of what we sang as a family was either hymns or praise songs. I guess I'll continue to sing Beatles songs and old folk tunes with les filles.

Allahu Akbar and a Bias Against Islam

I read an interesting comment from a Huffington Post reader named Nicholas:

I cannot in any way claim to know what people are thinking or meaning on the ground, but for centuries, 'Allahu Akbar' has been in the Muslim world a battlefield of meaning and ultimately of political legitimacy. They are five syllables pregnant in meaning, mutability and richness, not simply a ritualistic or fundamentalist dogmatic trope. Nor is 'Allahu Akbar' simply a prayer. In fact, despite all its negative, violent connotations in the West, 'Allahu Akbar' has been uttered by Muslims throughout history as a cry against oppression, against kings and monarchs, against tyrannical and despotic rule, reminding people that in the end, the disposer of affairs and ultimate holder of legitimacy is not any man, not any king or queen, not even any supreme leader, but ultimately a divine force out and above directing, caring and fighting for a more peaceful, rule-based, just and free world for people to live in. God is the one who is greatest, above each and every mortal human being whose station it is to pass away.

The fact that 'Allahu Akbar' is echoing through the Iranian night is not only an indication of the longing of people there to find a peaceful and just solution to this crisis. It also points to how deep the erosion of legitimacy is in whosoever acts against the will of the people, in whosoever claims to act on God's behalf to oppress his fellow human, including in this case some of the 'supreme' Islamic jurists themselves. This all goes to show that Islam, far from being merely an abode of repression and retrogression, has the capacity of being a fundamentally restorative and democratic force in human affairs. In the end, so it seems, at least in the Iranian context, 'Allahu Akbar', God is greatest, is a most profoundly democratic of political slogans. So deep is this call, that what is determined out of this liminal moment may very well set the terms for (or against) a lived, democratic Islamic reality for decades to come.

Nicholas's comment is speaking directly to the protests in Iran, but it also made me step back and examine my own feelings towards Islam. I fully support the rights of Muslims to practice their religion in America and to live peacefully without harrassment or discrimination, I really do. That support of based on a bone deep belief in civil liberties. But really, I don't like Islam, and that is a prejudice.

I would like to respect Islam as a beautiful and valid religion, but it's hard. It's hard to look at everything that is being done to women and girls in this world in the name of Allah and not resent everything about it. That attitude isn't fair, but it is how I feel. I fully realize that many horrible things have been done in the name of other religions but I look at Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia and I don't care. I'm angry at people who would use that religion to repress half their population.

In Nicholas's comment I saw something, though. He reminds me that there may be beautiful and wise aspects of Islam that I never get to see. I have to own up to my negative feelings about Islam, but I don't have to stop there. I learned the tennents of Islam in school, but never looked any deeper at it to see what it had to offer in a pan-religious conversation. I know that, personally, monotheism is not for me and I don't see that changing. I don't like to think of myself as a prejudiced person and I don't want to be prejudiced against peace-loving, moderate Muslims. I will have to examine my own attitudes on the subject a little more closely now.

Still hoping for the demonstrators in Iran right now.

What Are We Hoping For in Iran?

May I be cynical for a moment?

My heart and hopes are with the protesters in Iran. I truly hope they will achieve a real change. Much thanks to Bill Baar for his coverage of the protests. I found myself getting caught up in the fervor of hope. We've all been hoping for years to see dramatic change in the politics and individual freedoms in Iran.

But what are we really hoping for here? Thousands of people are taking to the streets demanding change, but what will they really get? The leaders of the protest movement, Mousavi and Rafsanjani, were part of the Islamic revolution of 1979. These are not radicals or feminists in spite of Mousavi's impressive wife. Are these Iranians putting their lives on the line just so that they can wear colored veils instead of black? Will homosexuals still be executed? Will there be freedom of worship for religious minorities, or a free press?

I really want to get swept away in the beauty and passion of it all. The pictures of courageous young women shouting in the streets with their hair showing under their veils is inspiring and sobering all at the same time. It will just be too heart breaking for words if all of this courage and effort is just to bring about a slightly less repressive society for all of them.

Probably nobody know how all of this will end and I truly hope for the best. I want Iranian people to be able to live their lives in freedom and fulfillment. I want their government to stop threatening the U.S. and Israel. I just don't want all of the hopes of a whole generation of Iranians to be dashed if they wake up to find a their have marched and sacrificed for a marginally better leadership.

I make no claims to be an expert on Iran so feel free to straighten me out if I am way off target. It might even make me feel better.

A Reforming Multi-tasker

My name is Strange Attractor and I am a multi-tasker.

I always have been a multi-tasker and have been a little bit overly proud to be one. Focusing on multiple things has always felt as natural as breathing to me. The refraction of attention became even more intense upon becoming a mother. If the mothers of small children didn't multi-task they would never get anything done or have an adult conversion. I would never say it out-loud, but I really felt that people who couldn't multi-task just weren't as clever as those of us who could.

When I first attracted to aspects of Buddhism, the whole doing only one thing at a time really threw me. It wasn't that I thought it was impossible, I just couldn't see it as a worthwhile goal. It seemed both boring and inefficient.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am reforming. I've know intellectually for a while that I should focus more on doing one thing at a time, but it still didn't sit right with me. I had a tiny revelation tonight while cooking dinner. We had breakfast for dinner which included pancakes, chicken sausage, and eggs cooked two different ways. Now I know how to cook all of these items rather well, but tonight they just didn't quite turn out right. The pancakes were lackluster and the scrambled eggs insufficiently fluffy. Nothing was ruined and it was all edible, and amazing still warm and ready all at the same time, but half of the dishes were just not quite how I wanted them to be. I realized while staring at the blah pancakes they both they and the eggs would have been better had they been the only thing I was cooking.

I don't think I'm going to start cooking only one dish dinner every night, but it brought home the idea that really paying attention might not be such a bad idea. I'm sure I will fall off the mono-focused wagon and slip back into old habits, but now it feels like I am pursuing a goal that I have decided is good for me, instead of one zen masters say is good for me.

Cakes For the Queen of Heaven

Thursday night I started the Cakes For the Queen of Heaven class at the AUUF. This summer they are doing the second half of the program so I will look forward to getting the first half next summer.

Most of the material in this first session was review to me since I have read up on ancient goddesses before, but I enjoyed being able to discuss it with other women. Rather than just talking about the goddesses themselves, we dealt with how growing up with patriarchal religions had affected us personally and what kind of future we could foresee that makes room for the sacred feminine. That isn't a subject I really get to explore with people very often so it was good.

I've been thinking a lot about Asherah and the bum rap she gets in the Old Testament over the last few days. When I realized that all of those stories about Baal and his idols were probably much more about Asherah and her Baal, it made me feel like maybe I had been rooting for the wrong side. I have viewed the Old Testament in a whole different light since I learned about Canaanite goddesses a few years ago. I have so much more sympathy and even sadness for those who were struck down or otherwise punished for following other gods.

I may have to miss the class on the Virgin Mary due to a kid-sized conflict, but I'm looking forward to the rest of the class

Gay Rights Ordinance in Anchorage & Fundamentalists

When did political discourse in this country descend to the level of one team wears red shirts and one team wears blue? Shouldn't matters of civil rights and freedoms be decided in a way that is a little more dignified than a high school football rivalry?

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. Last night the Anchorage Assembly heard public testimony on a proposed municipal ordinance that would prohibit discrimination on the basis of sexual preference, identity or perceived identity. I normally wouldn't expect you all to be interested in local Anchorage politics, but I think there are larger issues going on here. Expect this to be a long post so buckle up or bail out now. You were warned.

I went to the meeting, not to testify, but because I knew that the pastor of the local Baptist megachurch was going to be turning out a lot of members to protest. I wanted to make sure that they were not the only ones there so I went straight from work. The evening ended up being much more emotional than I anticipated. For a more detailed accounting of the testimony, see Mudflats as I intend to deal more with how it all affected me. When I walked up to the building, there was an army of people, mostly teens and young adults, all wearing red shirts and holding signs against the ordinance. I guess they meant for us to know that they are "red-blooded Americans" or Sarah Palin's "real Americans". Later me learned that some of them were bussed in from the Mat-Su Valley which includes the now-famous Wasilla and Palmer. They were civil and polite, but the effect was creepy.

While about 90% of the protesters wore red, once inside I discovered that about half of the people in support of the ordinance wore blue. At first this seemed really juvenile to me, but as the evening wore on it made me feel like I wasn't in America anymore, like I was a foreign country where you had to make sure you didn't wear the wrong color to the wrong part of town. I'm not used to the shirt I wear being a political statement. That is not the Anchorage I grew up in.

Most of the testimony on both sides was predictable, you can probably fill in the blanks, but I was totally unprepared for the vitriol of the crowd. Many speakers made the arguement that the ordinance prohibited the free practice of religion because it did not allow religious individuals to discriminate against gay and transgendered people. I disagree with them, bit at least I get their argument. This lofty rhetoric was at odds with the comments coming from the crowd of red shirts. The vitriol was palpable. I have been to political events before, but never one with this kind of tension in the room. When speakers would testify against the ordinance based on homosexuality being an obvious perversion, there was joy and passion in their calls and applause. It was like it felt so good for them to look down on other.

I finally left at 9:00 so I could get home to tuck in my girls. Once again, I has to work through a sea of red to reach the parking lot. That was uncomfortable for me, but I can only imagine how it must of felt for the LGBT people in attendance, especially the ones who had been called freaks. By this time hand made signs had cropped up that showed less of the love of Christ than the official ones. I asked a woman about one of them on my way out and our exchange left both of us frustrated. Determined to take the high road, I wished her a good evening and left. I had no idea how upset I would be by the time I made it to my car. I mean, totally unprepared.

I thought it was a release from all of the tension and ugliness, but as I drove I realized what it was: those agents of intolerance, they were my people. That is exactly the sub-culture in which I was raised. Those people who called my friends perverts, they could have set next to me in a pew. They could have been my teacher or classmate at my Christian school. They could have been members of my family.

I didn't think before that that is how I was raised. While I disagreed with their theology, I thought I was raised in a culture of love, of personal responsibility refore God, of not judging other people's hearts, because that was between them and God. I thought I was raised with tolerance and compassion, but maybe I was wrong.

I have left Christianity in general and evangelicalism in particular behind me, but I can't avoid the fact that they have shaped me. I know that in a way their teachings will always affect the way I think. I know how they think, and what makes them angry. I know their agenda because it was drilled into me. I know their codewords sometimes without even realising codewords are being used because they are ingrained in my thought patterns. I also know that most of those people who made me so sad last night are good people. They feed the poor and help single mothers and reach out to prisoners. They are not monsters. They are just like the people who taught me to sing, the people who cared enough to help me when I was a confused teenager. They are the kind and generous people I grew up with. They are also religious bigots.

It is very hard for me to find common ground with fundamentalists right now and that makes me sad. It means that I am cut off from my own history, from my own younger self. It means that I am cut off from coworkers and from members of my own family. Generally, we just don't talk about a lot of things, but that lack of communication is a huge hinderance to closeness that I don't know how to get past. So I feel like there is a hole where my past was. That is what hit me in the gut last night.

I have heard, but never felt before the similarity between Christian and Islamic fundamentalists. Those comparisons seemed like such exagerations. But now I see that, at least sometimes, the differences between the two groups are differences of scale and not of kind. I don't mean to sounds hyperbolic here and maybe I will feel more reasonable later, but right now I am more concerned than ever about the Christian Right.

Last night I comforted myself with the memory of a 14-year old little Strange Attractor who was the only one in her Bible class at school to support the idea that gay people had a right to a job in my hypethetical ice cream shop and they weren't worse than any other sinner. But I also remember a 15-year old Strange Attractor who went to the Pat Robertson for President rally to volunteer for his campaign. I held close that memory of my teenage defiance, that belief that being a Christian didn't mean you got to tell people how to live their lives. I treasured it because I know that that kid in red waiving those signs, cheering for bigotry, telling people that they don't count, that kid could have been me.

Managing Mindfulness

I just had the best session of walking mindfully I have ever had. I feel much more settled and refreshed than I did before. The weather was gorgeous and I was really able to focus on being here now, mostly, so apparently it isn't impossible after all. I just wanted to celebrate it. I hope the feeling lasts, 'cause I really need it today.

First Female African-American Rabbi Ordained

This makes me really happy. Congratulations to Alysa Stanton, the first female african-american rabbi ordained in the United States. One of the few things I still appreciate about my mother's religious tradition is her intense interest in Judaism. For her, it was a way to get in touch with the roots of her Christian faith more deeply. For me, it is just such an amazing tradition and culture that there is really nothing quite analogous to the survival of the Jewish people.

Recently my mother found out that part of our mitochondrial DNA is most likely Ashkenazi. We have no idea how far back we would need to go to find our last practicing Jewish ancestress, but it still made me feel good. Like some of the other things I've talked about here, it felt right.

Around the world, each of the Abrahamic religions has its group of fundamentalists resisting any change and often subjugating women. It's refreshing to see some of them doing it differently. Best wishes to Rabbi Stanton and her congregation. Mazel tov.

A Great Problem to Have

Folks, I am worn out. Tiny Daughter M is so excited to be mobile again, she will not slow down. The weather has been wonderful so there is no excuse not to go outside. In the past week I have been for walks, bike rides, played pick up soccer games, gone bird watching just outside town, picnicked in the park, gone to the outdoor market, danced, and begged for mercy and a few minutes to sit and rest.

I am so tremendously grateful for her recovery and that gratitude is the only thing getting me through this weekend. I'm tired. She wants to go swimming and skating this week so we'll see what we fit in.

Still, there are lots worse problems to have

Chaos Theory and Spirituality

I recently finished re-reading Chaos: Making a New Science by James Gleick which recounts the development of the new cross-disciplinary study of Chaos Theory. This book is highly recommended for any of you interested at all in science. One of the things that draws me to UUism is that I don't have to give up a belief in the rational in order to have an experience with the spiritual.

I can honesty say that the first time I read this book about 8 or so years ago it changed my life. This book is the reason I became an agnostic instead of an atheist. I doesn't make me believe in a god or a God, but I do believe the universe exists around an organizing principle, for lack of a better term, and I'd like to become more in tune with that principle.

Chaos theory is largely about the study of patterns. It shows us that any order we imagine or try to create will always contain disorder inside of it, but that random and disorderly things contain a strange and unexplained logic when looked at closely enough. I'm not explaining it nearly as well as Gleick does, but his book gave me a whole new way to look at the world and everything in it. It gave me a way to make sense of the interconnected web so that I could accept it. All of the Buddhist aphorism and Pagan declarations in the world could not make me feel that we are all part of the same great thing they way that this scientific explanation does.

Chaos theory gave me the name for this blog: a strange attractor is a mathematical concept where a seemingly random pattern stabilizes around an unexplained equilibrium, never repeating exactly, but always staying within the parameters of the pattern. To me, that is a beautiful metaphor for free will and the tides of history. Also, it seemed like a fun pun for all of the strange and wonderful people in my life. Any philosophy that denies free will just turns me off immediately, but you cannot deny that so many things are totally out of our direct control. The concept of the strange attractor portrays to me that the universe and history will roll on as they must, but that my particular role within all that is still mine to determine.

I never used to believe the old chestnut that every snowflake is unique. Out of all the trillions and trillions of snowflakes in the history of the world, surely there must be some repetition. How many possible shapes can there be? Now I understand why they are each unique. They are each shaped by the path they follow as they form and fall to the ground. Turbulence tells us that each path is almost random and unrelated to the paths around them. Each snowflake makes a totally unique journey from the clouds to the ground. Snowfall got even more beautiful as I read that.

I don't understand it well enough to explain it, but the Mandelbrot set is one of the most fascinating things I have ever encountered.

Chaos also shows us that many things that we think, in our Aristotelian way, have nothing to do with each other, are actually quite similar and organized along the same principles. The human circulatory system, the formation of clouds, the flow of water, the oscillations of pendula are all related. Scale becomes much more important than definition. This reminds me to look at things from another angle, to look deeper at things and people. Our common assuptions about things are not necessarily in tune with reality and connections always deserve a closer look.

It's and I'm rambling now, and I wish I understood chaos theory well enough to explain why it fascinated me so much. I do know that learning about it rang true with me in a way that my religious upbringing never did. I believed in God as a young person, but I didn't feel him. I felt the beauty of this theory as I read this book and it has forever changed the way I look at everything in the world. The miraculous structure of a leaf feels real to me. It is accessible in a way that Bible stories are not. Now, when I come across religious writing that speaks about interconnectedness, I have a frame of reference that works for me, that feels true.

It seemed very strange to base my spirituality on a scientific theory. I didn't even know if it was legitimate, but if felt right. I don't know of any other religion that would have made room for me to let reason inform my spirituality like the UU's. I can embrace Paganism emotionally, some of Buddhism and Chaos theory intellectually and feel like I am trying to understand what the world is and to find my place in it, rather than existing to worship some outside being or accept what a spiritual leader says without examination. Maybe I am the only person in the whole world who find fractals to be his or her most meaningful symbol of the mystery, but I am glad to have found a place I can explore that and integrate it with whatever else seems beautiful and meaningful. I'm glad to have found UU's.

Too Much Joy to Be Angry Today

I just watched my daughter run down the street.

I'm trying not to cry again as I write that as I wasn't sure I would ever get to see that again. I was all set to write an angry post about the murder of Dr. Tiller in a church of all places, but there is no place in my heart to hold anger right now. I just watched my baby girl run down the street.

We took Tiny Daughter M to a new specialist today who recommended a totally different course of treatment. I was more than a little skeptical when he said that her neurology had healed and was normal, she just didn't know it yet. She didn't look like her condition had healed. Only three weeks ago her mobility had a major setback when she went off of the steroids. She still can't walk right without assistance so it never occurred to me to tell her to run. Baby girl can run. The new doctor wants to discontinue her physical therapy and make her run as much as possible, including the soccer team she has wanted to join so very badly. He said the magic words to me today. He said, "these always get better. It may take up to 18 months, but they always get better." No one had been able to tell me that before today. I was scared to believe him and get all of our hopes up, but it was such a relief to talk to someone who seemed to know what was going on and who could offer hope.

The doctor and I colluded to bribe her with getting her ears pierced once she can walk normally at full speed again. She is much more motivated with a goal and we need her mind to catch up with her brain. She was able to touch her toes this evening, which had been impossible even two weeks due to both balance and flexibility. (Sorry, I was drawn away for some impromptu jump roping in the living room. Most exciting jump rope event ever!)

Going into today's appointment, I was 75% focused on how to fix the Tiny Daughter and about 25% thinking about how, as a family, we would cope with having a disabled daughter. How would we make sure her life was still rich and full and unlimited? Today is the first time in about a month that I have felt that she is really going to be OK. She made fun of me for crying as she ran back hope, but that's OK, too.

Tiny Daughter M is on fire tonight. She is so excited to be able to really play and run and to enjoy moving her body. She is not 100% there, but the look of joy on her face as she ran back and forth down the street tonight was the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time. The world is still an imperfect and frustrating place full of inexplicable evils and sorrow, but tonight I watched my daughter run down the street tonight, and that's enough.

Professional Insincerity

In my newish position in work, I am learning to do a lot more networking. I'm a pretty social, chatty person so talking to people is no big deal. But I find that I feel really drained afterword and I wonder if that is due to the work of maintaining a facade.

I like to meet new people and get to know them, I do. Any readers who have been to professional cocktail parties know that you don't really get to know people at these events. You make small talk with people while you size them up to see if they have any possible use to you. You exchange business cards and you follow up with those that seem promising. It's the insincerity that bothers me. At least when I used to chat up customers we all knew why: yes, I want to hear about your child's sports team, but I also really want you to continue spending your money with us. I also saw the same people more often and had more of a relationship with them.

I would be happy to sit down over tea and pastry and talk to almost everyone I met tonight. I'd love to get to know them. Instead, I spun around in a mad rush of handshaking and name tag reading. (By the way, I hate wearing name tags.) Insincerity is a pretty big deal for me. I left the church because I was tired of being insincere. Any suggestions for how I can do my job and still not feel like a fake?

I don't mean to sound too much like a whiner; I like my job and feel really fortunate to have it. Also, I did run into an old friend tonight who I haven't seen in years. Knowing how I feel about some of the people I saw tonight, I can't help but wonder if she meant it when we agreed to get together.

In Memoriam

I'd like to acknowledge and thank all of those who died defending this country. I profoundly wish that no one else had to.

My thanks and sympathy go to everyone who lost a loved one who died out of love and duty. Your loss and strength are also great.

Mamma Mia and the Divine Feminine

I enjoy the film Mamma Mia in a visceral way. Watching it is just a completely joyful experience. So why is that? Why do myself and so many other women respond to this movie in such a powerful way? Artistically, it is far from the best film I have ever seen, yet it has worked its way onto my desert island list.

Last night, watching Mamma Mia with the girls had me thinking about this and I have a theory. Mamma Mia taps into the same hunger as The Davinci Code: a longing for the divine feminine. Both of these are flawed works, but they are so phenominally successful, I believe in part, to demonstrating the value of the feminine.

Mamma Mia is not a religious film. Most of the emphasis is on women's relationships with other women, and with themselves; the men are there to move the story along. Corny as it is, the scene where Meryl Streep plays pied piper while singing "Dancing Queen" is a celebration of the divine feminine. I know it's schmaltzy, but watching all of those women throw down their toils and responsibilities to run along and celebrate the dancing queen inside of each of them moves me. The film tells us that each of us has something that is strong and beautiful and independent, but it also craves connection with others on own terms.

It is directed by Phyllida Law, and the woman's touch shows. The interactions between the women ring true in a way that is uncommon in most films directed by men. Even's the film's sense of humor seems more feminine to me.

A lot of digital ink has already been spent on The Davinci Code, so I won't spend much time here. It's fair to say, though, that much of its worldwide success can be attributed to people being curious about or enamored with the idea of women having an important role in religion. There is a hole in male-dominated religions, and people responded in droves when even an over-hyped pot-boiler of a novel acknowledged that there was something to fill that hole.

Hopefully, we will see more art that either overtly or indirectly deals with the feminine as a source of inspiration and strength and spiritual comfort.

Bonding with Buffy

Daughter E and I will be bonding over Buffy the Vampire Slayer this afternoon. Tiny Daughter M is going to a sleepover and the big girl and I try to watch Buffy whenever she is away.

There have been many things, from Alice In Wonderland to Star Trek that I just couldn't wait to introduce to my children. I imagined how much they would love discovering these fictional worlds that meant so much to me and helped to shape who I am. Predictably, she has rejected almost all of them. The child doesn't even like science-fiction! How could I have a child with no interest in sci-fi at all? Instead she invests her attention in anime, etc. This was both shocking and disappointing to me.

I am a Buffy fanatic. Without much hope, I invited Daughter E to watch it with me last year. Dear readers, she loves it! We finally have a geek universe to share. It may be a small thing, but it's one thing we agree upon and share. I am looking forward to watching her experience all of the Slayer's adventures for the first time.

Beltane Redux

I had my second, and much belated Beltane this weekend. This was my second ritual with a women's group affiliated with the local UU fellowship. I am just getting to know them, but I feel really at home with these women.

This sense of connection and community was something I had hoped I could find in the UU body here, and it feels wonderful to find it. I felt very welcomed, like my contributions were equal to anyone else. There was no hint of insider vs. outsider status.

I wanted to find a women's group for a long time. I just never expected to find it with a bunch of UU's. So far, it's been a great surprise.

On Being Artemis

Ever since I was a very young little Christian girl attending Christian school, I have identified strongly with Athena. She seemed so strong and so much like who I wanted to be. Later, when I learned about Irish myths, Brigid was the goddess for which I felt the most affinity. No coincidence there.

So it struck me with some surprise this morning when it occurred to me that I am having an Artemis year. This doesn't mean I want to be totally independent, or that I am not still fanatically attached to my husband, but lately I have been more comfortable with doing things on my own terms. In many different little ways, I have been putting myself forward more like I am and less how people think I should be. Or maybe how I think they think I should be.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have never been a Stepford-anything, I've always enjoyed being a little bit of a contrarian. I've been putting more of an emphasis on embracing and honoring the real me. Maybe it started with feeling more financially stable, and therefore, capable. It now ranges from everything from my appearance to dealing with a difficult co-worker. I don't feel like making excuses anymore. I don't want this to sound like everything is my-way-or-the-highway, but I feel a lot less like apologizing for my choices.

We have made some unconvential choices in our life: we are still a one-car family, my husband was a stay at home dad for 5 years and still works part time, we don't enrole our kids in group sport, we are gamer geeks who enjoy the company of other gamer geeks. I was confortable with these decisions, but sometimes concerned about how they looked to others. Well, I am much less concerned lately and it feels good.

It's time to brush up on Artemis/Diana myths and some meditation on them. My view of deities is that of archetypes, so there is something for me to learn or develop there. I know that Athena will always be the mythic role model closest to me, but maybe she won't mind if I take some guidance from Artemis for just a while.

New Car

We bought a new car this weekend. Our 15-year old station wagon breathed its last on the previous weekend while I was at the grocery store and it was time to bite the bullet and upgrade.

I am very happy with the vehicle we chose, but I have never had a car payment in my life. I'm still kind of reeling with that anxiety. In the last year, we have bought a house and two-year old vehicle. I don't usually fret amount money; either we have it or we don't. But we had a RIF a couple of months ago at work, and I have been worried about whether or not I will be able to continue to support my family at this new standard if I lose my job.

On the other hand, I have never had a nice car before either. This new Jeep is reliable and has a great warranty. I don't have to worry about whether the heater will work in the winter, or if it will make it on a long drive out of town. That security is very comforting. Also, it is very fun to drive. I had no plans to buy an SUV, but it is surprisingly fuel efficient and our commute is very short.

I feel strongly that we ought not to live beyond our means, but I also don't want my girls to feel like they are growing up deprived. I don't usually cook much in the summer, but I guess I'll be cooking more so we can afford the new chariot.

Walking in Mindfulness, Or Not

As is my wont in the summer, I put on my walking shoes and walked over the the nearby lake at lunch. I usually listen to music, but I have misplaced my earbuds so I had to hoof it on my own.

This seemed like a perfect opportunity to practice walking meditation, but it just felt like too much work. I wanted to wind down from work, not work on something else. so, I made a deal with myself, I would let my mind go wherever it pleased to wander on the way to the lake, and I would put my best effort into mindfulness on the way back to work. I am really happy with the result.

I walked in the sunshine toward the Chugach mountains and let my mind leap around like the monkey it is. I thought about blogging, and sushine. I stopped to watch the caterpillar cross the bike path. Why I find caterpillers adorable and maggots repulsive when they are the same thing will not be explored here. I thought about how little and green the new birch leaves are, but how they add up to such great effect, I thought about Star Trek. I thought a lot about Star Trek. I thought about the book I'm reading and how much it changed my philosophy, but felt so true the first time I read it. It underscores for me that there is no separation between the physical and the spiritual even though that is not what it is about. This type of mental meandering is one of the most relaxing things in the world for me and I don't want to give it up to be mindfull all the time. I know it's not disciplined, but it is nourishing.

On the way back to the office, I focused on where I was at the time, my breath, the rhythm of my steps and all the sounds and beautiful sights around me. This is also time well spent, but I don't think I would have been as prepared or as able to commit to the concentration without the earlier mental downtime. I don't have a name for this reverse meditation, but it's peaceful and I need it. An aspect of the UU path I find really valuable is that I don't have to always be doctinaire.

Tired of Arguing

Something I am struggling with is how to be reasonable and civil with people who have no intention of responding in kind.

It addition to coming from a very conservative family, I work in a very red industry in a very red state. This often brings me into conflict with others. On the plus side, I have grown past the point where I need to argue about politics or religion with anyone who would hold still for it. My current frustration is that I can't figure out how to get people to agree to disagree once they find out we are not in accord.

Continually, I find myself in conversation that begin with something like, "what do you mean you don't believe in God". A co-worker in the next office over cannot understand why I keep asking her not to quote scripture at people when we are in a common setting. I truly do want to be polite and respect the viewpoints of others even when I strongly disagree with them, but I keep getting backed into a corner and I can only repeat, "I don't really want to get into that right now" so many times. This same co-worker and others will often inform other people of my political views, people with whom I would never bring up either politics or religion. I have been called a communist and a flag burner by some of these people. I have gone to far as to tell one person that I would be happy to talk to him when he wants to discuss business, but I will not discuss the election at all. Requests to cease this behavior have not been successful.

I am not afraid to defend my views, but I don't want to be badgered about them all the time either. What really sets me over the edge is these same people will then tell me how rude liberals are and that all we do is call people names, with no ideas of our own.

I know this blog is technically public, but I consider this spiritual development I am going through to be very private. I have never told anyone at work or in my extended family about it because I don't want to have to defend it. How can I get the message through to these Christian and conservative crusaders that I don't want to argue with them, but I also do not want to be preached at? Has anyone had any success with this?

Why We Need Empathy

I've been reading Reading Lolita in Tehran and it's a fascinating look at how people who know better gradually succumb to tyranny. It is also an exploration of how literature affects us as readers. Maybe this resonates so strongly with me because I have always been such a rabid bibliovore. I have never been able to understand how some people don't like to read.

Empathy runs throughout the book. I can sometimes be too empathetic to the point that it becomes paralyzing, but we undervalue this trait. Empathy is what we learn in literature and it is what prevents us from creating an "us" and a "them". It allows us to see everyone as a complex person. Empathy won't allow you to de-humanize others. It insists that you try to understand or at least imagine their point of view. Without it, we can never really appreciate art.

Empathy makes it possible for me to respect someone else's choices. It is very easy to lump groups of people together and make assumptions about them based on that group affiliation. It is also very easy to judge them. But if we are really to respect the right of every person to seek spiritual truth on their own terms, we need empathy. Like I said, I tend to be very empathetic, but lately it has really difficult to respect the point of view of conservative Christians. I have been turning them into a "them" and you cannot love people when you think of them that way. If nothing else, I am going to have to remember to see the perspective of some of my relatives and not just view them as crazy people who are trying to make me miserable.

This would be much simpler if more of the Christians in my life showed respect and understanding for my choices, but I can't make them change their minds about my beliefs. I can, however, stop treating them like the enemy.

Giving Up Dairy

As sad as the prospect makes me, I'm going to give up dairy products for a month to see if it will help with my sinus problems. I'm not really a milk drinker, but the prospect of life without cheese is not one I look forward to. My motto is that bleu cheese should go on almost everything. I think I would rather give up meat than cheese. I am also devoted to both Haaden-dazs and to my ice cream maker.

Other than hopefully feeling better, my only consolation is the tiny environmental impact I'll be making my buying less animal-based food. If there are any other milk-avoiders out there with advise for how to make the next month bearable (and I know already that vanilla-flavored soy milk on cereal is not bearable) please let me in on your tricks, secrets, and various other dairy-free coping mechanisms.

Making Beltane Memories

I haven't written in a few days because we are having the most amazing and gorgeous May weekend I can ever remember. The lure of frolicking and yard work in the sun is just way too strong to even consider coming inside to turn on the computer. I have always gotten a special high from sunshine that can't be beat. I have more energy and joy in a sunbeam than anywhere else. Sometimes I think I must be photosynthesizing.

Saturday was my first public Beltane celebration with the local CUUPS group. The weather was so amazing we brought chairs out and held our ritual outside like it ought to be. The heat was around 70 degrees. I have lived in Alaska for 33 years and I never, NEVER remember it being 70 degrees in May, much less early May. This unexpectedly gorgeous day truly made it seem like the first day of summer that Beltane is meant to be. Everyone was playful and the whole evening was fun.

Sometimes I think northern Pagans need to adjust the wheel of the year to fit our actual cycles. Often the meaning of the celebration doesn't fit what is acutally going on around us. We still have snow at Ostara and winter has usually already begun at Samhain. This makes it harder to apply the natural cycles to my spiritual life. This was a glorious exception and I can't think of a better setting for my first Beltane. I'm still happy thinking about it. We got through a dismal summer and a nasty winter last year, so this summer-like weekend is like medicine for our shivering souls. I can't wait for summer solstice.

Why is Mindfulness So Hard?

My husband calls me anti-zen, but I really am trying to learn. It's just that doing anything mindfully for more than 10 seconds is really hard.

Yesterday I watched a six-minute video of Thich Nhat Hahn talking about mindfulness and I couldn't even watch that mindfully. I thought a lot about how hard mindfulness is, what I've tried in the past, what has and has not worked for me before, etc. I even thought, I should blog about this. I was on the same subject he was, but I probably missed a lot of what he was trying to say.

I don't think my mind has ever not being doing multiple things at once. If nothing else, I am constantly analyzing everything all the time. I mean all the time. I had always considered my mental multi-tasking to be a strength, but is it really a stumbling block to my spiritual growth? I enjoy basic seated meditation, but trying to bring an attitude of mindfulness into the rest of my life is much much harder. How much do I need to incorporate it into my daily life? If I devote times and activities to mindfulness, can I be a mental monkey the rest of the time?

Sometimes when I am trying to apply mindfulness, someone, like one of my kids, will interrupt me, which is very very irritating. Now am I mad and frustrated because can't she see I was trying to be mindful? I'm pretty sure this is the exact opposite of the intended effect.

I love the idea of mindfulness meditation. I like that it's a calming and contemplative discipline that doesn't require theist beliefs. It sometimes seems like that is just not how my brain wants to work. Does anyone have any ideas that have worked for them? How have you moved mindfulness from the meditation mat out into your life?

Girl Time With the Squirrel and the Chickadees

This evening the girls and I played catch in our very own backyard for possibly the first time. Much credit goes to my husband for all of the raking and hard work that made this possible. We just bought the house last summer and the back yard was a nightmare. I felt so grateful to finally be able to give them this security, of playing in their very own backyard. It's not that big, but it's all ours.

This time of year in Alaska we have enough light that we can come home from work, make a quick dinner, and still play catch and take a walk in the sunshine, which we did. (It was still full light outside when I put them to bed at 9:00). It amazes me that my wild and crazy little Amazons can sit so still and quietly to watch a squirrel scurry back and forth on our fence. Our squirrel are tiny and cute, not big and pesky like the grey monsters that haunt east coast. We paused the game several times to watch the squirrel and the chickadees.

I was more relaxed and at peace tonight outside than I have been in weeks. I am so glad that I listened to their requests and didn't blow them off to watch House.

Liberals vs. Conservatives: Dueling Moral Frameworks

Miller-McCune Magazine has an interesting story of the different moral codes used by liberals and conservatives. An abbreviated version is on the web here, but you'll have to read the paper copy to get the long form. A psychologist/ethics professor at the University of Virginia, Jonathan Haight, is himself a liberal atheist, but his latest research is on how liberals and conservatives view and use morality.

It's insightful and a good reminder to stop and consider issues from the other point of view. You don't have to change your mind, just see where they are coming from. It was telling that conservatives often understand liberals better than the other way around.

I'm for anything that helps us all realize that those who disagree with us are not necessarily monsters. My question is, that if half of the country disagrees with the other half on such basic fundamentals, how do we ever move forward?

People often ask me, how did I become such a liberal when I started out as a Reaganite, and I usually say becoming a mother had a lot to do with it. This article helped put things in another perspective for me, that the values of harm and justice did not work with the old labels any longer. Most of the people I admired were liberals and that helped to shape my moral framework. Much thanks to my folks for letting me watch all that Star Trek as a kid.

Do I Have To Go To Church?

I am stuggling with Sunday mornings. I enjoy some of the other services and activities at our local fellowship, but sitting in a pew on a Sunday morning singing hymns just freaks me out. It feels too much like I am back in church, rather than exploring a new spiritual path and getting better aquainted with interesting people and ideas.

I want to engage with the community at the fellowship, but do I have to go Sunday morning service to really do that? Can I participate on a non-Sunday morning basis?

Have any other former-something UU's dealt with this issue? What has worked for you?

What Are You Thankful For Today?

On Thanksgiving on last year, I started a Gratitude Project with my girls where every day we would pick one thing for which we were thankful, but it had to be something different each day. I wanted to emphasize that no matter how bad your day seems, there is always something to appreciate, some aspect that could be worse. The goal was to do this every day for a year.

Over the Christmas season, I got sidetracked and let this slip. Today, we began this dinnertime custom again. The girls are not really excited about it, but like vegetables, it's good for them.

New Treatment

We have finally started a new course of treatment for Tiny Daughter M. We are putting her on steroids and I am not thrilled, but at least we are actively doing something to try to make her better.

She currently has two specialists who disagree about what she has and how to treat it. Thankfully, we have ruled out anything life threatening, but one doctor has concerns that this might be a long-term problem. The other one thinks that if we leave her alone she will get better by herself, but that trying the steroids won't hurt. The lack of agreement is not encouraging to say the least. Every medical professional we have seen has told us how unusual her case is. Also, not encouraging.

A friend recommended today that we take her to Seattle to the children's hospital down there. I don't mean to panic, but it is starting to sound tempting. We will give this treatment a shot first and I know S, my wonderful husband will keep me from panicking too much. Thankfully, my boss has been totally great about the time I've have to take off for all of her appointments. I don't know how I would deal with all of this if I has to worry about losing my job, too.

It encouraged me that she has been such a little trooper about everything. She doesn't whine or complain about not being able to get around very well. She just looks for other ways to do what she wants and enjoys what she can do. She is a very good role model for her mother.

Prayer Beads

I'd like to make myself a set of goddess-themed prayer beads for use in meditation. A friend of mine has a beautiful set, but they were a gift and I haven't been able to find what I want online.

My making them, I'll be able to set up any type of pattern I like, but what do I want? I had been thinking about a circle with three sections, each section with nine beads. Maybe I'll separate those sections with larger beads. I could add a tail of three beads with an emblem, but is a tail really necessary or just what I am used to seeing on Catholic rosaries?

I've been searching and I'm putting together a list of prayers to or meditations on the feminine. I prefer the idea of meditations since I'm coming from a Jungian rather than a petitionary framework. I know I want to include a feminized version of the Prayer of St. Francis because it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard.

Does anyone else use prayer beads? What works for you?

Find Your Grail

Last night my husband S and I took our girls to see Spamalot and very good time was had my three out of the four of us. Tiny Daughter M didn't get the nerd gene, so she made the best of it.

I was surprised to find myself inspired by the musical. In spite of the name of one of their films, I have never looked for profundity or the meaning of life in Monty Python. The live musical is more big budget farce and less absurdist experiment than the film that inspired it (one of my all time favorites). Both versions are just supposed to be irreverent and fun.

On the other hand, I'm taking away a new phrase from Spamalot in addition to all the lines I regularly quote from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail, "Find Your Grail". The emphasis here is on the "your" grail, rather than "the" grail. Now, I am a King Arthur geek from way back. I love Celtic myth and the Arthurian traditions in particular. But in the Christian version of the legends, the knights are always seeking the Holy Grail. It is the one true cup of Christ that heals both individuals and the land. Only the pure can find it and use it and it comes from the one true God.

But Spamalot's spin on this gets me right where I am right now. Find Your Grail. It is not the one true message or goal handed down from above. We don't need to all measure up in a specific way to be worthy of it. It's your grail. Find what is meaningful and true and redeeming for you. Look hard for it. Claim it. Heal yourself and others with it. Sing, and dance, and remember fun and irreverence along the way.